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Sissela Murav

Sissela Murav is a recent college dropout, whose fondness for reading has led her to writing, which in turn has led her to College News. She hopes to one day disentangle herself from lowlife-dom.

Melissa Gorga supports marital rape

‘RHONJ’ star writes advice book for women

Melissa Gorga of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” has published a book, “Love, Italian Style,” which has garnered much attention—mainly for its unbridled and blatant promotion of marital rape and archaic expectations of spousal engagement.

Gorga and St. Martin’s Press are calling the book which aims to teach those who are married how to maintain a “sexy and hot” union. This is where it gets dicey, as Gorga’s idea of a hot marriage involves being constantly and readily “available” for a husbands sexual urges, even if one is “not in the mood,” or “exhausted.”

Perhaps the most egregious thing to grace the pages of Melissa Gorga’s book is an excerpt from her husband, who is evidently much experienced with the raping of one’s wife, as he states: “If your wife says ‘no,’ turn her around, and rip her clothes off.” Supposedly, she “wants to be dominated.”

Have we regressed to the 18th century? In today’s households, is a wife’s role purely deferential to her husband and his needs? In the Gorga house, the answer is yes, apparently.

Melissa Gorga herself does not find rape to be so astonishing. She thinks her readers will be most shocked to find that Joe, her husband, “doesn’t know I poop.” Shocking, indeed. 

Zach Galifianakis whips Justin Bieber, literally

Justin Bieber is interviewed by Zach Galifianakis, … spanked

Zach Galifianakis has come to the apex of his career—he has publically spanked Justin Bieber on his Funny or Die talk show “Between Two Ferns.”

Galifianakis has been known to say and do cringe-worthy things on his satiric talk show, and has interviewed many an A-lister: Ben Stiller, Sean Penn, Anne Hathaway and countless others. Justin Bieber is his youngest interviewee, but, needless to say, Galifianakis did not tread lightly with the green pop star.

Zach Galifianakis, comedian and star of The Hangover franchise, begins the interview expressing excitement at Bieber’s presence, “especially in the middle of your public meltdown.”  The interview continues on this track of poking fun at Bieber, while the young singer sits mostly in stunned silence.

The interview progresses as does Galifianakis’ fervor—he flies into a ridiculing rant, saying: “You’re too young to be smoking pot!” … “I don’t think your mom would really mind if a stranger whipped her son!” Galifianakis then removes his belt and proceeds to whip our poor pop celebrity. After putting back on his belt, Galifianakis wraps up the interview by asking Bieber, “So, who are you dating?” Finally, a good question.  

You can be Walter White

Wear his effigy, become a fictional icon

Always wanted to be a highly recognized fictional meth kingpin? Have upwards of $24,000 on hand? If you answered “yes” to these questions, you are one lucky fellow—your heart’s desire can come true, via eBay.

The infamous and startlingly lifelike Walter White mask that Bryan Cranston not only signed, but wore at this year’s comic-con, is available to the public. Finally, your dream of lurking through your city’s streets while fooling the masses can come to fruition and just in time for Halloween.

Mask maker and artist Landon Meier is selling his creation, and bidding will end Sunday evening, an hour before the much awaited Breaking Bad series finale. 

Don't jump on train tracks, says CTA

The Chicago Transit Authority has reason for such obvious admonitions

Chicago Transit Authority is now warning riders not to jump onto the train tracks to retrieve their mobile devices.

This is not a joke. Riders are risking their lives for the sake of their phones, and this absurdity is no new practice. Cell phone death-jumps are steadily increasing in frequency—350 people were reported to have willingly put themselves in death’s grasp this year. Fatalities are also rising—in 2011 there were 9 train-related deaths, while in 2012 there were 11.

Not all are a result of direct train impact—the third rail is highly electricized, pumping out 600 bolts of electric current. Chicago Transit Authority workers urge riders to avoid flinging themselves onto such surfaces—they ask riders to seek help from a CTA employee.

The CTA’s new ads centered on the prevention of said casualties are snarkily sarcastic and almost sound like taunts—“You can live a few minutes without it for a few minutes.” And, “Don’t worry, its coming.” Maybe such farcically chilling warnings will be effective—I’d sure think twice about potentially leaping to my death after reading those.

Clint Eastwood's sexy son

Scott, 27, has proved himself to be quite the looker


Surprise, surprise! Clint Eastwood’s son, Scott, is extremely good-looking. Were we expecting any less? He basically looks exactly the same as his father did at 27—(Scott’s age) except maybe frattier, less rugged, more clean-cut.

Scott is of course pursuing acting, and will appear in upcoming movies alongside Ben Affleck and Shia LaBeouf. Not bad—but with Clint Eastwood as your father, it’s not such a commendable accomplishment. What CAN’T you do with a dad like that? The road was paved for him before ever leaving the womb.

He has high hopes, too: he strives to be a “man’s man,” not some “glitzy pop star.” And how does one become a man’s man? Seemingly by being devilishly handsome and all-American. He’s well on his way. 

Nicki Minaj stole Chicago artist's song

EDM out of Chicago is the precursor to “Starships”


Nicki Minaj got her wildly successful song “Starships” out of Chicago? Allegedly, yes. Clive Tanaka, EDM star based out of Chicago, is suing Minaj for plagiarism of his 2011 song “Neu Chicago.”  Tanaka is claiming copyright infringement, and his representative says that collaborators with Nicki Minaj, like RedOne– are citizens of Sweden, and may have been there to hear “Neu Chicago” being used for multiple Swedish television advertising campaigns.

Clive Tanaka came out with a mashup of the two songs, called “Neu Starships,” which is undoubtedly a testament to the Minaj’s piracy, and Tanaka’s attorney is confident enough to say “they are similar to the point that it is nearly impossible for it to be a coincidence.” Hopefully, Chicago and its euphonious inhabitants get their due credit. 

More Harry Potter?

J.K. Rowling to join with Warner Bros. for film series

Harry Potter fanatics rejoice—an extension of the world of witchcraft and wizardry is soon to take off. J.K. Rowling is teaming up with Warner bros. to write a screenplay for a new film series that will be based on Harry’s textbook in the original series, called Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The series will be centered on the adventures of Newt Scamander, who predates Harry by 70 years, and resides in New York.

J.K. Rowling has said that Harry Potter fans will reportedly recognize the magical creatures and customs, and should be “familiar to anyone who has read the Harry Potter books or seen the films.”

Warner Bros. will be creating a sort of franchise surrounding the new films, with video games, expansions of the World of Harry Potter theme parks, and consumer products. Warner Bros. is seemingly quite aware of the profitability of anything related to Harry Potter, or J.K. Rowling, as Warner Bros. CEO Kevin Tsujihara enthusiastically conveys: “We know that audiences will be as excited as we are to see what her brilliant and boundless imagination conjures up for us.” No pressure, Jo. 

Smoke weed legally in Uruguay

This November pot will be completely legal in Uruguay

This November Uruguay will completely decriminalize weed—making it a lawful drug to cultivate, smoke, and sell. This is a groundbreaking development in the realm of drug trafficking—this will be the first government-run program on the planet that will have total control of the entire marijuana market.

Uruguay has been a forerunner in the modernization of drug laws for quite some time—30 years, to be exact—the difference of this November’s legislation is that buyers will not have to look to the streets to find their fix—consumers will have heavily regulated and utterly legitimate sources to go to for their smoking pleasure.

As well as legitimatizing the acquisition of weed, government is competing with black market prices—buying marijuana at a federally sanctioned shop will cost $2.50 a gram— the same price independent dealers are asking for. Higher-quality product, at no extra cost? What more could a fiending pot head (or a fiending anyone) ask for?

What’s more—buyers can legally own up to 40 grams of weed per month. Stoners, hold your elation—only those currently holding citizenship in Uruguay may register to have such significant substances. Shockingly, the aim of this government program isn’t to allow for record-breaking consumption of weed—it’s to hopefully make for a safer street environment, and to try to give more focus to the curbing of violent crime, instead of petty marijuana busts.

The agenda is called “Strategy for Life and Coexistence,” and has been campaigned for heavily for years, in a different fashion than similar campaigns in the U.S.—it’s changed the pot legalization effort image from dreadlocked hippie to every day citizen, giving the effort more weight and credibility. Those in the U.S should take note—the way to pot legalization is emphasis on the gleaning of a better environment, not emphasis on how “healthy” and peace-inducing marijuana is. Congrats, Uruguay—truly an innovator, hopefully a trendsetter.

Wally Bayola's leaked sex scandal

Sex tape could land him in jail

Wally Bayola, the Filipino actor, singer and TV host has shocked his home state by coming out with an extremely graphic sex tape featuring him and EB Babe dancer Yosh Rivera. The video first was released on YouTube by an anonymous uploader—and has gone viral.

In the video, Yosh is seen beneath Bayola, who then tilts the camera so his face and subsequent actions can be optimally viewed. At the end of the video, Bayola flips up his signature “pa-pogi” sign that has so greatly contributed to his fame.

This is all well and good— sex tapes are becoming less and less scandalous as the years go on—but in the Philippines, it is an illegal act to sleep with someone who is not your wife, and those found guilty are viable to spend 4 years in prison. It’s called “concubinage” and allows for the wife to take legal action when suspicions of adultery arise.

In this case, Wally’s wife has all the evidence she could ever need, as we clearly see Bayola and Yosh Rivera engaging in intercourse—missionary position, no less.

Wally will be laying low for awhile and will not appear on his popular afternoon show “Eat Beluga” for an indefinite period. This sex scandal is comparable to the Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton sex tapes—it is incredibly high-profile and will likely mar the participants careers—and be much talked about—for years to come.

Kidnapper Ariel Castro found hanging


Ariel Castro, the captor, rapist, murderer—has died. He hanged himself in his prison cell yesterday, by way of bed sheet. His death comes only 33 days after the commencement of his 1,000 year sentence, and marks the end of a wasted, trouble-ridden life—devoted to the infliction of abuse on others, or, his indulgence in his most perverse urges. His life has served the sole purpose of the destruction of the lives of others, and this ruination is his most significant offering to the world and history–the undoing of another’s being, the theft of years, the poisonous influence of a mind’s deviance–will be his only contribution to the planet, a mar on its consciousness.

Ariel Castro’s toxicity seeped to its greatest depth within the lives of his three victims, Amanda Berry, Gina DeJesus, and Michelle Knight—victims to his sadistic fancies, recipients of his most atrocious acts, his bereaved abductees.

Kidnapped in their youths, the women suffered under the hands of Castro for 11 years, chained, raped, hit, starved, deprived of any and all basic human rights, all in one unassuming home, the hellish house on Seymour Avenue.

Castro supposedly did not plan to abduct young girls the day he did—he claims it was “out of his character”—a mere impulse. Each girl, between the ages of 14-21, was given a ride home by Castro, lured into his basement, and subsequently shackled and made prisoner.

Each would face unimaginable horrors—Michelle Knight has said she was impregnated over and over again, and each time she was forced to miscarry, through beatings and starvation. Through all of this, Castro maintained his conscience’s innocence, saying, “I’m not a monster,” … “I’m just sick.” He has freed himself from true guilt, blaming his offences on forces outside of his power, detaching himself from his savagery, as he did in his death—ending his life to avoid the horror of his inevitable, merciless remorse.

Unsupervised for a mere 30 minutes, Castro managed to take his own life, hanging himself with the sheet from his bed, suspending himself by the rafters of his life’s culmination—inescapable, inexorable guilt.

His asphyxiation, his self-inflicted snapped neck is the consummation of a life permeated with pain, suffering, and torment. His inevitable fall, ending the reign of terror, has sealed his fate as a man immortalized to cowardice–his hanging body, lifelessly swaying, confined, condemned.