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WRITTEN BY:
Reka Forgach

Heart Attack Grill made good on its promise to its #1 patron

"Patient Joe" finally gets his flatliner fries

This one's a no-brainer, kids
Source: bryantdouglass
Caption: This one's a no-brainer, kids

Heart Attack Grill is a classic Las Vegas/America venue featuring massive meathead burgers, generous extra-fat milkshakes and French fries cooked in lard.  Heart Attack Grill is guaranteed to fulfill all of your primal cravings for sodium, fat, calories,  and carbs, and may have again tragically fulfilled its commitment to “taste worth dying for,” in regards to its biggest fan and daily patron, John Allerman.

A 52-year-old construction site security guard, John Allerman graced the booths of Heart Attack Grill enough to inspire an entire clothing line featuring his animated face and unofficial mascot alter-ego “Patient Joe.”  Un-ironically enough, the astronomically caloric menu items, with cringingly appropriate names like “flatliner fries” and “quadruple bypass burger” finally got the best of Allerman, who suffered a heart attack at a bus stop in front of his favorite joint.  Allerman is Heat Attack Grill’s third heart attack victim in three years under the ownership of Jon “Dr. Jon” Basso.

Let’s be honest, Heart Attack Grill is upfront about what it offers regarding both gastronomy and cardio-vascular threats.  350 lb. patrons eat for free according to house policy, unfiltered cigarettes can be bought at the Grill’s counter and payment is cash only….”because you might die before the check clears.”  If you’re trying to stay fit, you should probably join the army of scantily clad “nurse” waitresses handing out “prescription” orders or you might find yourself living up to the venues name right at its doorstep, and you won’t even be novel enough to be the first.  Do yourself a favor, and take Heart Attack Grill for the very very very real joke it is.

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