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Michael DeLaney

Heidi Klum's mom takes pictures of Heidi Klum's butt

This is the news today everybody. Have a nice weekend.

Heidi Klum is just like you and me. She is a fashion designer and successful TV Host with a net worth around $70 million. She has landed covers of Sports Illustrated, Vogue and Elle. And just like you and I, Heidi Klum has her mother take photos of her butt crack.

Heidi Klum, the 40-year-old mother and model whose breasts must constantly be in dire need of air, has been posting many photos on her Twitter feed in the past month. Many of these photos were swimsuit model-styled pictures of Heidi Klum baring beach bum to her mum.

Yes, Heidi Klum’s mother is taking semi-nude pictures of her daughter for your viewing pleasure. In an interview with Access Hollywood, Heidi Klum discussed her comfort with her body (good for her, I know it must be hard on her) as well her relaxed-nature with nudity.

“You will be surprised when you hear that my mom takes most of the photos,” she told Access Hollywood. “Yeah, my mom and dad. They were on holiday. Yes, so my mom can take some good photos.”

Access Hollywood did not however report on what the name of Heidi Klum’s mother and photographer was, because she’s not Heidi Klum so what does it matter, right?

In regards to the sun’s harmful rays and the frequent topless nature of the Instagram Twictures, Klum said:

“And I’m European. I don’t like wearing tops,” she told Access Hollywood. “And I don’t like tan lines.”

This last bit of news must’ve shocked Access Hollywood reporters like Billy Bush, who probably might’ve thought something along the lines of “European? I thought she was German?”

Since Klum is such a trend setter I have no doubt that mothers across the country will start to instagramming and tweeting photos of their 40-year-old daughters.

DMX arrested for DUI

X got it given to him.

Oh DMX, just because you’re a Ruff Ryder, doesn’t mean you have to always ride so rough. It’s been reported that Earl Simmons “AKA The Dog gettin’ down for real and goin’ hard,” was arrested last night for drunk driving in Greenville, South Carolina.

DMX, star of American cinema classics such as Romeo Must Die and Cradle 2 the Grave, was also charged with driving without a license and driving without a seatbelt. Though the story has been reported by multiple news outlets, DMX’s publicist Domenick Nati seemed to protest claims made by the Greenville boys in blue:

“Allegations about DMX being arrested for drunk driving are false. He was arrested early this morning but quickly released. X was given a breathalyzer test and easily passed it,” Nati said. “He is back at his home in South Carolina and we are continuing our focus on his upcoming album and acting roles.”

DMX, what gives my comrade? I would’ve expected more from a rapper of your stature. I mean, besides spending three years and change in prison for impersonating a federal officer, DMX has always been a stand-up fellow.

DMX is such a swell guy that he’s had six different parts to a song called “Prayer;” I bet that’s more prayers than you’ve said this month!

Sure he’s been found guilty of criminal possession of drugs such as crack cocaine, entered rehab and consequently violated his drug probation, but at least he’s a friend to animals!

Ok that’s not exactly true, but just because you’re found guilty of animal cruelty does not mean you’re not a friend to animals; I’m cruel to my friends all of the time!

Oh man. Guys I think I’m beginning to realize that DMX may not be the role model I thought he was. A revelation like this is going to take some time to digest.

In the meantime I’ll offer DMX some words that once helped me through a hard time:

“Stop; drop. Shut ‘em down, open up shop. Oh. No. That’s how Ruff Ryders roll.”

The Wolverine review

SNIKT. SNIKT? SNIKT!

The Wolverine, directed by James Mangold, marks Hugh Jackman’s sixth appearance as the feral little brawler (counting his cameo in X-Men: First Class.) The film hits theaters today and probably has many fans (including you) asking “should I care?” The answer? Maybe?

The Wolverine wisely distances itself from 2009’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine and instead takes place sometime after the similarly awful X-Men: The Last Stand. Without heavily referencing that film (probably for the better) The Wolverine begins with a flashback to Nagasaki, where the P.O.W. Logan saves a young Japanese soldier named Yashida from the atom bomb. Flash-forward to present day, where Yashida sends a young warrior Yukio to find Logan (still mourning the loss of Jean Grey) and bring him back to Japan.

Yashida is dying and offers his old pal “The Wolverine” the chance to end his immortality. Logan’s healing factor starts to slow, and he realizes what it’s like to be normal-ish. In the process, he protects Yashida’s granddaughter Mariko from the Yakuza and definitely does not end up falling for her. Wolverine starts to unravel the mystery surrounding Mariko and her family and uses his claws a lot to do so.

Compared to the mess of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, The Wolverine is a sigh of relief; but it is still just an average film. Though it once had Darren Aronofsky’s name attached to it, the prospect of 3:10 to Yuma’s James Mangold still helped The Wolverine’s chances; but not by much.

The main problem of The Wolverine’s story is that it doesn’t have the emotional weight that it strives for. Logan is a man who has lived too long and has seen too many people that he’s cared about die (though he doesn’t necessarily remember all of that.) Yashida offers to “end Logan’s suffering,” but all that suffering seems to amount to is being a hairy drunk in the woods who hangs out with a poorly animated CGI bear and has nightmares about Jean Grey, a woman whom he didn’t actually have a romantic relationship with in the X-Men films.

Bottom line: Wolverine doesn’t seem to have much to be torturing himself over and he doesn’t really have the best method of torturing himself anyhow.  

The Wolverine isn’t a bore however; the visuals are entertaining at the very least. It may have been over thirteen years since he first took on the role, but Hugh Jackman has never looked better as Wolverine. The haircut, the thick mutton chops and the bulky body Jackman built are pretty spot-on; painting the best picture of the pint-sized scrapper yet. The only thing missing was a cigar, but c’est la vie.

The action is pretty engaging as well, and despite the fact that the bullet train battle that is pretty much ripped right from the first Mission Impossible movie, it’s a fun fight to watch. Probably the best visual of the film is seeing Wolverine go head-to-head with samurai and ninjas; claws versus sword. You really get a good sense of how intense Jackman is when he gets into character during these fights.

The Wolverine isn’t a great film by any means, but it is not horrible either. I’d say give it a shot if you’re a fan of the character. 

Spain train crash driver detained

Tragic disaster kills 78 people

The driver involved in the Spain train crash that occurred Wednesday night has been arrested and is under criminal investigation for the high-speed train crash that killed at least 78 people.

The Spain train crash is one of the worst European rail disasters in recent memory. Reports from the department of health in Galicia (a province of northwestern Spain) say that 81 victims of the Spain train crash are still being treated in hospitals; 31 of them are in critical condition.

On Wednesday afternoon the eight-car train left Madrid with its 218 passengers for Santiago de Compostela, to celebrate the feast day of St. James the Apostle. It was near the end of the passengers’ six-hour journey that the Spain train crash occurred.

The train is reported to have been travelling as fast as 120 miles per hour as it banked a curve and jerked off of the track, smashing against the curved wall.

The driver involved is Francisco José Garzón Amo, who has been operating trains for over 30 years. Amo seemed to have a taste for excessive speeds in the past, however. On his Facebook page last year, he posted photos of a speedometer hitting over 125 miles per hour and bragged about the potential thrill of racing past authorities.

It has been reported that there were no traces of alcohol in Amo’s system. Authorities will investigate the block box aboard the train to see if it provides any further clues to the Spain train crash.

The accident took place about three miles outside of Santiago de Compostela, in a “transition zone,” preparing for the train’s slower arrival. This transition zone is one where the trains slow from their high speeds as they prepare to pass through urban areas. The system in place gives the driver ample warning signals to slow down but does not automatically brake the train.

Victims and witnesses of the Spain train crash liken the horrific fallout of the disaster to The Walking Dead. Many of the passengers involved in the crash suffered severe burns as a result to the train’s diesel fuel that ignited upon impact.

In the aftermath of the Spain train crash, the town of Santiago de Compostela canceled their St. James festival plans and instead paid respect to the victims and survivors of the crash. Thousands of people traveled to mourn the crash site and donate blood to the victims currently in the hospital.

The Spain train crash is the country’s most tragic train crash since 1972, which resulted in the deaths of 86 people. 

Stomach bug infects Americans in 8 states

Symptoms lasting as long as a month

The Center for Disease Control has reported that more than 270 people in as many as eight states have been infected by a stomach bug. The parasite that has infected them is known as Cyclospora, which is found in tropical regions such as Latin America. This stomach bug is a one-celled parasite that causes diarrhea, stomach cramps and other flu-like symptoms.

The Cyclospora stomach bug has infected Americans in Nebraska, Texas, Iowa, Georgia, Wisconsin, Kansas, Connecticut and Illinois. The majority of these stomach bug-infections occurred between mid-June and early July, according to the CDC. The CDC reports that cyclosporiasis is spread through ingesting foods or water contaminated with feces.

Similar stomach bugs that cause flu symptoms from food poisoning last only a few days. Infections of cyclosporiasis however can take a week to start showing symptoms and can last longer than a month.

Dr. Steven Gordon, Chairman Infectious Disease at the Cleveland Clinic, told ABC news some of the hazards of cyclosporiasis: “People can get bloating, vomiting, low grade fevers as well and if it’s not diagnosed you can get a fatigue syndrome afterwards.”  

At least 10 people have been hospitalized due to the stomach bug, with the CDC still uncertain as to what the connections among these cases are. Typical cases of the Cyclospora stomach bug in the U.S. have been connected to produce imported from tropical countries, such as basil, raspberries and snow peas.

The Iowa Department of Health is investigating the situation and has indicated that fresh vegetables may be the cause of infection. They recommend scrubbing and washing your fresh produce until they determine which vegetable in particular is the culprit.

If you are infected by the Cyclospora stomach bug, it can be treated with antibiotics. Health professionals recommend consulting with your doctor so they can prescribe the specific type of antibiotic needed to rid you of the stomach bug.

Chromecast: Google's new toy

Watch video created for TV on your phone streamed back to your TV!

In a world where we can’t decide exactly how large or small we want our phones to be, Google has debuted its latest gadget, the chromecast. The Chromecast is a small thumb drive USB that plugs into the back of your TV (unless you’re my Dad, who still has a TV from the 1960s with wood casing on the outside.)

Chromecast allows you to stream video and content from your phone, tablet or computer to your television screen (make it HUGE!) The chromecast device connects to your TV’s HDMI port and uses your Wi-Fi network to stream your videos, music, pictures etc. If you don’t have a strong Wi-Fi connection to begin with however, you might want to hold off on chromecast, as reported by Wired.

A big draw of the chromecast for many of the tech-savvy youngsters out there is its cost. At only $35, the chromecast comes with three free months of Netflix for new and current Netflix users. Compare this price to competitors like the $50 Roku and the $99 Apple TV.

Chromecast also allows you to further multitask your digital media (as if we needed that); for example you could be reading this article on your tablet while streaming a video from said tablet to your TV simultaneously.

Not all of your phone’s apps will be available on chromecast just yet, but video and audio-based apps like YouTube, Pandora and Netflix will.

Chromecast is the latest in Google’s recent string of TV/internet-connected devices. The past several years saw the introduction of several versions of Google TV, as well as the Nexus Q, one of CNN’s Top 10 “fails” of 2012.

Google chromecast is currently available for order from Google Play, Amazon.com and BestBuy.com, available for delivery on August 7.

 If you’re itching to do the exact same thing on your TV that you do on your phone, order one now!

Jimmy Fallon tries to steal Kate Middleton's baby idea

His wife has a baby the day after Kate; REAL ORIGINAL JIMMY!

Everybody and their mother knows that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Delight, gave birth to the royal baby on Monday. England was agog with wonder, as was the nation that England once owned. This we all know, but you may not have heard that yesterday Jimmy Fallon tried to steal the spotlight with the birth of his own child; what a dick!

Kate Middleton has yet to make a comment on the show of complete disrespect from Jimmy Fallon and his wife. While the news of Jimmy Fallon’s baby and his wife’s labor is scarce at the moment, one can only speculate on the details of the tawdry affair.  

Kate Middleton‘s royal baby was born at 4:24 p.m. on Monday afternoon; Jimmy Fallon’s copycat wife gave birth to their daughter on Tuesday morning at 6:21 a.m. We can only assume that the conniving Jimmy Fallon induced his wife’s labor to ride Kate Middleton’s birthing coattails.

Prince William has been an attentive husband and father to Kate Middleton and the royal baby; Jimmy Fallon abandoned his wife and daughter later in the day to film his TV show. Stupid Jimmy Fallon, people don’t watch TV anymore; they watch YouTube!

Jimmy Fallon even made jokes about Kate Middleton and the royal baby on his show Monday night, but didn’t even mention his wife was pregnant! Did he even take the time to ask her if she was pregnant? What an ass.

Kate Middleton and the royal baby got a pizza delivered to them from the royal police; rumor has it that Jimmy Fallon’s baby has never even TRIED pizza. Cool kid you got there Jimmy…

Kate Middleton and Prince William have named the royal baby Prince George Alexander Lewis; Jimmy Fallon’s daughter doesn’t even have a name. He probably doesn’t even know that babies are supposed to HAVE names; Hollywood elitist bastard.

Jimmy Fallon’s plan to steal the royal baby spotlight has indisputably failed. He may have The Tonight Show but he’ll never have the place in our hearts that the Royal Family does.

And don’t even get me started on how Javier Bardem and Penélope Cruz had their child on the same day as Kate Middleton!

Geraldo Rivera blames the booze

Apparently alcohol has adverse effects

Geraldo Rivera, the handlebar-mustachioed grandpa that you never wanted, is blaming his recent Twitter picture debacle on alcohol. If you hadn’t already heard, or haven’t yet burned this wonderful image of old age into your mind, Geraldo Rivera posted a half-naked photo of himself on Twitter early Sunday morning.

Geraldo Rivera, host of Fox News’ Geraldo at Large, took the half-naked “selfie” (it hurts to write that word) at 2:30 AM after a private tequila party of one. The veteran newsman described the night to 95.5 FM’s Scott & Todd morning show.

“I did a great show on black-on-black crime and race relations and the Trayvon Martin fallout and federal charges … and I get home and there’s no one to talk to, everyone’s asleep,” Geraldo Rivera explained.

Since Geraldo Rivera was awfully lonely and doing a Billy Idol “Dancing with Myself” wasn’t an option, he opted instead for drinking with himself. He says that he had a nice bottle of tequila that a friend gave him for his birthday and decided to pour himself one drink too many.

I’m assuming it was sometime after this that he discovered that his cell phone could also transform into a camera, which is probably when he took the picture of his 70-year-old chest by himself in the bathroom.

“It was 2:30 a.m., and I said, ‘Damn it, I like that picture,’” Geraldo Rivera told Scott & Todd. “I learned how to use Twitter a couple weeks ago, and there it was.” No one knows how many days in the bathroom it took Geraldo Rivera to learn how to use Twitter, however.

The following day he recapped how he awoke to discover a text message from his 18-year-old daughter insisting that he take the topless photo down. I imagine that his daughter must’ve been embarrassed to wake up to discover that photo herself, and once again remember that she was the daughter of Geraldo Rivera.

Along with the request from his daughter, Geraldo Rivera also got word from Fox News to take down the photo. Fox News is many things, but a purveyor of elderly Playgirl photos? Perish the thought.

“It seemed like a great idea at the time,” he said. Geraldo Rivera, the hard-hitting journalist who cracked the mystery behind drunken decisions wide open.

A horse walks into McDonald's

…and leaves something behind

Attention all equestrians, jockeys and cowboys: you may not bring your horse in McDonald’s.

A horse in McDonald’s usually leads to one thing: a large amount of crap. On July 20, a UK woman riding her horse attempted to order a meal from McDonald’s drive-thru. The woman was accompanied by a smaller human female atop an even smaller horse.

The McDonald’s restaurant refused the lady rider drive thru service. This little bit of news didn’t seem to please the equestrian in question, who proceeded to bring her horse in McDonald’s (perhaps she thought this would get her the Big Mac she desired?)

It didn’t take very long for the horse in McDonald’s to let his presence be known. The horse in McDonald’s did what most rude humans verbally do when they are displeased with their service experience: he took a dump on the establishment.

The displeasure of the horse in McDonald’s was not represented in metaphorical excrement, but in the literal variety.  Mr. Ed’s display of defecation caused a lot of upset for both the staff and the patrons of this UK McDonald’s restaurant.

According to a spokesperson for the restaurant, the owner of the horse has been charged with a Fixed Penalty notice for this diarrhea diorama.

The spokesperson addressed the situation by saying: “The health safety of our customers and staff is our top priority and for this reason we are unable to serve pedestrians, bicycle riders or customers on horseback through the drive-thru.”

So my advice for any horse owners out there who are craving McDonald’s would be this: if you indeed want to take your horse through the McDonald’s drive-thru, you should call up your local mechanic and genetic engineer. Together they can put their heads together to create a hybrid horse/automobile that would adhere to the drive-thru policy.

Or just put a wig on it and bring your horse in McDonald’s, saying she’s your cousin from out of town.

Royal baby arriving on National Ice Cream Day

Kate Middleton is SUPER pregnant

Hear ye hear ye – the royal baby is on its way! Reports have come in that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of duchesses, is currently in labor. Kate Middleton has been in labor since Monday morning when she was admitted to St. Mary’s Hospital in London.

span style=”line-height: 1.3em;”>The royal baby’s emergence from the womb may in fact coincide with National Ice Cream Day, which is also today. Inside experts on the royal baby birth hypothesize that said baby is attempting its breach because of National Ice Cream Day.

span style=”line-height: 1.3em;”>Ice cream, the frozen dairy dessert that is served in cones, bowls and on trucks, is a frequent snack favorite of the pint-sized human. Given this scientific fact, it should come as no surprise that the royal baby should choose to arrive on this most holy of days.

span style=”line-height: 1.3em;”>One of the most amazing things about this royal baby story is how pregnant Kate Middleton is right now. Kate Middleton, the Duchess Cambridge, the overseer of the Seven Kingdoms, the ruler of Asgard, is now more pregnant than any Kate Middleton on this planet has ever been.

span style=”line-height: 1.3em;”>The royal baby must be aching with the same anticipation that the rest of the world is for his or her arrival. I mean just imagine yourself gestating in the womb while National Ice Cream Day is going on around you; what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

span style=”line-height: 1.3em;”>Royal theorists are currently undergoing several hypotheses on exactly what kind of ice cream the royal baby might like on National Ice Cream Day. Some of these most trusted advisors to the crown speculate that the royal baby is a fan of Neapolitan ice cream; one of the most all-inclusive ice creams on National Ice Cream Day.

span style=”line-height: 1.3em;”>Personally I think that the royal baby would like to have a scoop of Rocky Road, because any wise heir of royalty knows that the path ahead of him or her is going to be a bumpy one.