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Terrible/good advice for your dating needs

Janelle Vreeland

This practically does the work for you!

The advice below was from a Maxim Magazine column that was later recalled, as it was deemed not sexist enough. Much of the material below could be considered parody… because it is.

Studies have proved time and time again that the first impressions men form as a result of someone’s appearance can be surprisingly accurate, illustrating just how important it is in remembering to always LOOK HOT. Considering this often leads people to reexamine the image they are projecting (for example, maybe ladies could project something a little closer to Hooters and Suicide Girls reenacting Star Wars.) Anyway, in an effort to help, we give you the traits men notice immediately and how you can improve upon them (according to the opposite sex).

1. Hair

As men, we have no idea what your hair care entails. Words like split ends or roots will just make us think about Treebeard in battle and that mini-series featuring Geordi. And all that will come of that will be “Roots”-related tears and a tendency to zone out as you talk about your day. In any case, your hair must be two things: silky and fresh smelling. Perhaps like a fruity laundry detergent–not Safeway Select, though. That smells like pumpkin guts and The Y.

Also, taking too much time preparing your hair is just seen as withholding sex from us. And if it’s time to cut your hair, consider a new hair style that somehow suggests awesome sandwich-making abilities.

2. Smile

Ladies, does your smile seem warm and genuine? Well, it better, because a smile can mean many things. It can communicate bemusement, or it can represent an emasculating resentment for our pungent Axe Spray and Axe Odor Remover, causing us to wonder why your overbite threatens us so while the rest of your teeth angrily curse at our mothers as they penetrate and crack our soft eye contacts we got at Trader Joe’s.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get in and out of there to buy more!? Stop it! Let’s review: HAVE A PERFECT SMILE. If you are without a perfect smile, consider Joe Biden dentures. (Looking at him is like gazing at a gentlemanly Cheshire Cat.)

3. Cleavage

Here’s a best-kept secret in the realm of guy-hood: guys like to look at your chest. Often, they will do so for several hours at a time; in fact, chest-looking has been a more desirable profession than any job in the last 900 years, according to men from ages 9 to 90.

Clearly, you should be taking notes and incorporating them into every area of your life. Who’s going to judge you if you unbutton your shirt at funerals? The deceased? They’re not talking!

But seriously, look at employees of cleavage-based professions like Katy Perry. (She’s doing pretty well now). Men will more than likely notice how you’re showing off what you’ve got, but, just in case, bring a special scrapbook as a backup of said cleavage.

As a last resort you might consider garnishing your cleavage with bacon bits… or copies of Modern Warfare 2.

4. Skin

You know that huge blemish you’ve been agonizing over all day? Chances are guys won’t even notice it (after all, they’re still looking at that fantastic cleavage!). What will they notice, however, is an odd tan, especially if you look like an Oompa-Loompa ready to sing about the dangers of children eating chocolate. Be cautious and aware. And if you see a river of chocolate, get the hell away!

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