By the wee hours of Wednesday morning, this country will have elected a new President. I’m sure some of you, as you fall exhausted into bed after that long night, will think “Why can’t that be me?”. The thing is, it could be you if you play your cards right. For anybody who wants it, here is a condensed version of what it takes to travel the long road to the White House.

Step 1: Meet the following criteria:

-Be at least 35 years old
-Be a U.S. citizen
-Be born in the U.S., Puerto Rico, Guam, or the U.S. Virgin Islands (or to American parents abroad)
-Be a U.S. resident for the past 14 years

Step 2: Pursue a relevant background.

Becoming a lawyer seems the popular way to go; twenty-five out of the last forty-three presidents have been lawyers. Then of course there’s becoming a Senator, House Representative or Governor. (Maybe there’s presidential hope for Palin in the next election?)

Whatever career path you choose before making the big leap to presidential nominee, make sure that you have a strong public speaking background, some experience working in or with the Government, and lots of friends.

Step 3: Emerge victorious from the primaries/caucuses.

Once you decide you want to run, your first big hurdle is your party’s primaries and caucuses. To even get noticed, you need to raise lots of benjamins and get a really good campaign staff complete with speechwriters. If you make a big enough splash after all those dinners, fundraisers, and speeches, then in January of the election year, you’ll be one of the big ticket contenders.

Step 4: Pick your election buddy, also known as the Vice President.

Instead of always being chosen, now you get to do the choosing in selecting your running mate. This can be a tricky decision, but it can also be a helpful one as your Veep can shore up your weaknesses. He or she can bring experience in different areas, or attract votes from a different demographic.

Step 5: Crush your competitors like bugs at your party’s national convention.

Not really. Remember, they could help you campaign later on down the trail, so don’t rub it in when you win. Give them the old “aww, it was really close,” and then go off somewhere private and do your happy dance.

Step 6: No excuses, campaign like a champion!

Once you’ve chosen your election buddy and finally become the only names on your party’s ticket, you’re in for the long haul. You’ll spend the months before the first Tuesday in November going to colleges, kissing babies, and schmoozing, schmoozing, schmoozing. In all your speeches, debates, and press conferences, you’ll have to unveil your plan as to how you’re going to run this great nation of ours (which you’ve hopefully already come up with). Near the end, the campaign will probably get dirty, so roll up your sleeves and get ready to do a little mud-slinging.

Step 7: Wait. Demand a recount. Repeat.

On election night, you, your family, and all of America will all gather in front of a television screen to await the results. You’ll watch as each state turns red or blue, getting you closer to earning you the 270 electoral votes that you need to win. If the race ends in your opponent’s favor, you can always demand a recount. If you win, pop open the champagne and get ready to U-Haul your stuff over to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Doesn’t sound so hard, does it? As long as you have charisma, dedication, and a large bank account, you’re practically a shoe-in for the position. Even if you don’t decide to become president, you can still enjoy these fun presidential facts:

1) Only five presidents had beards upon entering the White House.
2) Nine presidents never attended college. Harvard wins as having the most presidential alumni (seven total).
3) Many Washington families, including the President’s, used to observe the tradition of rolling eggs on the Monday after Easter. This tradition has now morphed in to the Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn.
4) The tallest president was Lincoln at 6’4” and the shortest was James Madison at 5’4”
5) John Quincy Adams used to get up two hours before sunrise to go skinny dipping in the Potomac River

To read more about the candidates’ closing arguments, or what you need to do on Election Day 2008, go here and here.