Here’s to you Joseph Kogan! Someone suggested, to another person of course, that they should write a letter to their childhood molester or rapist. They said that it would get some of the burden off of them and allow them to begin the healing process. Hey, I don’t know if this will help me or not, but considering that I have seemingly hit Rock Bottom, I guess it definitely couldn’t hurt. So, here’s to you Joe. Dear Joe, I could start this letter off by asking you how you’re doing, by trying to make you feel comfortable about the fact that I am writing to you. The thing about that is, although it seems right to be the ‘bigger’ person, we don’t always do what is right. So in the interest of not lying to myself or others, I am not going to pretend that I am sending you well wishes and telling you that everything turned out alright.
See, for the longest time, I would push my feelings to the back of my head. The feelings of deep hatred and resentment, the feelings of torment that have been with me for nearly twenty years thanks to you. Today, however, is not the day of forgetting what wrongs you committed against me. I would love to lie to myself and continue to pretend that it never happened. In fact, I successfully lied to myself for years upon years in the efforts of making it all go away. Crazy thing about your past… It doesn’t just disappear. I’ll be honest with you Joe! I have wished that you would die a slow death for many years now. A slow and very painful death to be precise. In the past I would even daydream about you hurting another little girl and being thrown in prison. Once arriving there, you would be raped continuously until you bled out of every possible opening on your body. You would cry at night and yearn for a God that would never come. Kind of like the tears that I have cried for the last 18 years, the ones caused by the scars that you caused on my heart, that you placed on my soul. It never goes away ya know, the reality of what I was exposed to, of what was done to me at such an early age. Did you ever think about how my life would change Joe? Did it ever cross your perverse mind that I might not turn out alright because of the things that you did to me? It is sort of ironic that I ask you that when you take into consideration the fact that I never even considered that reality. The reality that what happened to me was going to drastically change the course of my life because of the lengths that I would go to mask my pain. My life never turned out the way I thought it would.
Now, I am on a path to being where I need to be but it didn’t come easily at all. I finally found God, not that I ever lost him, I just wasn’t searching for him and seeking him out as I needed to. Anyways, God has pulled me out of the disgusting pit of denial that I was in and into the light so now it is time for me to shed my demons. You were one of my biggest demons Joe, you were someone who has taken up such a large part of my life for so long because I can never stop thinking about my hatred for you. For that reason, amongst others, I would drink to excess and once I decided that drinking was problematic, I would swallow a deadly amount Vicodin to numb my feelings. How could I, a woman with an IQ of 137 and all of the resources in the world, become a drug addict who did the most grotesque and despicable of things? It was you Joe, it was my hatred for you and the darkness that reality placed within me. You’re not the ONLY one who can be given the dishonor of being labeled my molester, but I figure that you, Joseph Kogan, deserved a place all your own. I would say that I hope you found God and changed your life, but it seems easier to tell you that I hope you ROT in HELL!
Maybe, in another decade, I will be able to genuinely tell you that I am praying for God to forgive you! Thanks to God, I am now able to forgive you for the things that you did to me and I pray that anyone else you victimized was strong enough to move on without the issues that I was plagued with. So Joe, you have not beaten me. You did succeed in breaking me down and holding me, unknowingly captive, for several years, but you have not beaten me. I will never let you win, God will never let you win! Yours Truly, The Girl Whose Childhood You Stole