Lifestyle & Fashion
Painfully Pretty: Beauty products that go the extra mile in discomfort
Janelle Vreeland
Check out these beauty school dropouts! [Note: This article just might be satire]
Warning: These featured products were tested by a competitor company who took their infomercial-like selling points and “revised” them. Not surprisingly, it has some irregularities that seem a little dishonest.
1. Improve your posture with iPosture!
A relatively small and discreet sensor, the iPosture can be attached to your clothing, e.g. a woman’s bra, and when you slouch, it gently reminds you to straighten up with a series of vibrations. The vibrations also leave you feeling incredibly turned on. (Tip: wear it on top of the washer when the laundry load is off balance and you’ll actually lose weight!).
Once you correct your posture, it will vibrate once more in approval, leaving you irritable and tense through its “posture fear-mongering.” If it vibrates twice, well, let’s just say you better hope you don’t have fillings.
It adapts to your body type and adjusts accordingly; if you are a midget, the adjustment will be even easier as you are technically too small to slouch. If you need to, you can pause it by pressing the button for three seconds. Or if you want it to stay off, you can hold it down for an additional 40 seconds, or lay it down on the table to turn it off, though you will have to anticipate constant positive posture updates about your straight furniture.
2. Lose weight with Weight Loss Sunglasses!
Lose weight by wearing these sunglasses, tinted with the least palatable color of the spectrum. Certain colors in the spectrum can stimulate appetite while others tend to discourage it. (Then there are the colors that fall into a displeasing picture menu from Denny’s.)
The color blue typically conveys calmness and tranquility, like the Smurfs, but it can also be cold and depressing─like Mystique.
Apply this theory to food and it deters your appetite while making you incredibly manic depressive. Wearer be warned: They can also impair your vision, causing you to crash violently into the projectionist at the movies, flinging your blue Junior Mints everywhere. Clearly, the Weigh Loss Sunglasses are beer goggles’ evil twin.
3. The Beauty Voice Trainer
The Beauty Voice Trainer gives you a sexy songlike voice in just five minutes a day. (Product void for Kathleen Turner). Under normal circumstances, the human throat is restricted─are you listening, San Francisco?
The Trainer is designed to widen your vocal passages. The dust bunnies that descend into your throat strengthen your vocal cords, resulting in a much stronger sound. With the Trainer, you’ll no longer have to accept cheap duck call substitutes! It also improves your abdominal breathing which is essential for singers, though, if over-used, it can even help you with even lower abdominal breathing, i.e. genital breathing.
And the bonus tuning fork guide helps you achieve the elusive notes you desire. In no time, you’ll be singing the electric guitar! It also trains you to recognize pitch intervals along with the newly-formed inflammation forming in your throat. Finally, you’ll achieve your vocal potential while disturbing all wildlife in your wake.
