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How to Ace Your Finals

A satire

It’s that time of year again — the sun is shining, flowers are in bloom, and every college campus is brimming with stressed out students low on sleep and high on Adderall.

That’s right, we’re rapidly approaching finals. And since you’ve come to me, pretentious internet writer, rather than your professor for help, I’ve compiled a helpful guide to acing your finals.

1) Study as much as you possibly can during all hours

Oh, what’s that? You need sleep? You’ve been studying for 21 hours without a break? Too bad. The only students who get A’s are the ones who live, eat, and breathe school. So cuddle up to that textbook, freshman. It’s going to be a long night. Everyone knows that study breaks are for the weak. Even if you feel like your brain isn’t absorbing any more information, power through until you literally collapse. And repeat.

2) Eat your feelings

We know that you’re probably stressed, and when your body begins to reject all the caffeine you’ve pumped into it for days, it might be time to eat something. Food is your only comfort during these long, dark hours, as you’ve scared away all your friends by yelling at them about how much you have to do. So go wild — pizza, candy, potato chips, soda (with just a splash of alcohol), cookies, whatever your heart desires. Health be damned, you’ve got a final to ace.

3) Make sure everyone knows how much you have to do

If something is happening, and you don’t tweet about it, did it even really happen? Obviously not. Therefore, make sure to complain loudly about how much work you need to do. Tweet about it, post a facebook status, Instagram a photo of your textbooks captioned “#study #finals #ughh #onthatgrind.” What’s more, social media is a great way to stay focused! Should any of your friends try to empathize by telling you how they’re worrying about their finals too, shut it down. Make sure they know that you are the king or queen of stressing about finals, and they definitely don’t understand because you have WAY more to do than them, and they really need to check themselves.

4) Avoid your professor/TA’s/classmates in the weeks leading up to the final

Everyone is the enemy. Your professor, who wrote the exam, definitely has it out for you and will probably feed you false information. Your TA’s are well-intentioned, but come on, they’re TA’s — what do they know? Your classmates are your biggest enemy, especially if your professor grades on a curve. There can only be so many A’s, and any information you share can and will be used against you. So don’t go to office hours, don’t sign up for any study groups, and make sure you study in an isolated place where no one will think to look for you.

5) Refuse to take responsibilities for any difficulties you face

If you find that you don’t understand a concept, it’s probably not your fault. The professor is supposed to teach you, goddammit, you’re not supposed to teach yourself! And you could have studied so much more if you hadn’t let your friend convince you to take a Starbucks break. If you fail, it’s definitely their fault, and has nothing to do with the fact that you skipped class to sleep in.

6) Make sure you understand the importance of finals

Your mother might say that getting an B+ on your Philosophies of Microbiological Engineering class isn’t the end of the world, but she doesn’t understand. This final actually is the most important thing. If you don’t get an A, your potential employer will discount all of your internships, perfect grades, community service, and leadership roles, and you won’t get the job and instead be forced to work at KFC for the rest of your life, and then, eventually you’ll die alone, and it’ll all be thanks to that B+.

With these tips, you’ll be sure to ace your finals, and all it’ll cost is your mental and physical health, all your relationships, and any non-academic parts of your life!

 

This piece originally appeared on Medium.

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