• Your one stop for college news and resources!
College Education

How to Ace Your Finals

A satire

It’s that time of year again — the sun is shining, flowers are in bloom, and every college campus is brimming with stressed out students low on sleep and high on Adderall.

That’s right, we’re rapidly approaching finals. And since you’ve come to me, pretentious internet writer, rather than your professor for help, I’ve compiled a helpful guide to acing your finals.

1) Study as much as you possibly can during all hours

Oh, what’s that? You need sleep? You’ve been studying for 21 hours without a break? Too bad. The only students who get A’s are the ones who live, eat, and breathe school. So cuddle up to that textbook, freshman. It’s going to be a long night. Everyone knows that study breaks are for the weak. Even if you feel like your brain isn’t absorbing any more information, power through until you literally collapse. And repeat.

2) Eat your feelings

We know that you’re probably stressed, and when your body begins to reject all the caffeine you’ve pumped into it for days, it might be time to eat something. Food is your only comfort during these long, dark hours, as you’ve scared away all your friends by yelling at them about how much you have to do. So go wild — pizza, candy, potato chips, soda (with just a splash of alcohol), cookies, whatever your heart desires. Health be damned, you’ve got a final to ace.

3) Make sure everyone knows how much you have to do

If something is happening, and you don’t tweet about it, did it even really happen? Obviously not. Therefore, make sure to complain loudly about how much work you need to do. Tweet about it, post a facebook status, Instagram a photo of your textbooks captioned “#study #finals #ughh #onthatgrind.” What’s more, social media is a great way to stay focused! Should any of your friends try to empathize by telling you how they’re worrying about their finals too, shut it down. Make sure they know that you are the king or queen of stressing about finals, and they definitely don’t understand because you have WAY more to do than them, and they really need to check themselves.

4) Avoid your professor/TA’s/classmates in the weeks leading up to the final

Everyone is the enemy. Your professor, who wrote the exam, definitely has it out for you and will probably feed you false information. Your TA’s are well-intentioned, but come on, they’re TA’s — what do they know? Your classmates are your biggest enemy, especially if your professor grades on a curve. There can only be so many A’s, and any information you share can and will be used against you. So don’t go to office hours, don’t sign up for any study groups, and make sure you study in an isolated place where no one will think to look for you.

5) Refuse to take responsibilities for any difficulties you face

If you find that you don’t understand a concept, it’s probably not your fault. The professor is supposed to teach you, goddammit, you’re not supposed to teach yourself! And you could have studied so much more if you hadn’t let your friend convince you to take a Starbucks break. If you fail, it’s definitely their fault, and has nothing to do with the fact that you skipped class to sleep in.

6) Make sure you understand the importance of finals

Your mother might say that getting an B+ on your Philosophies of Microbiological Engineering class isn’t the end of the world, but she doesn’t understand. This final actually is the most important thing. If you don’t get an A, your potential employer will discount all of your internships, perfect grades, community service, and leadership roles, and you won’t get the job and instead be forced to work at KFC for the rest of your life, and then, eventually you’ll die alone, and it’ll all be thanks to that B+.

With these tips, you’ll be sure to ace your finals, and all it’ll cost is your mental and physical health, all your relationships, and any non-academic parts of your life!

 

This piece originally appeared on Medium.

Previous ArticleNext Article

356 Comments

  1. And, clubbed with the superior precision technology that is so characteristics of Tag Heuer watches these timepieces are a coveted possession for all women who appreciate quality.

  2. I simply want to tell you that I am just newbie to blogging and truly enjoyed you’re web blog. Almost certainly I’m planning to bookmark your blog post . You amazingly have amazing writings. Many thanks for sharing your webpage.

  3. Pingback: Google
  4. Pingback: german rottweiler
  5. Pingback: Xxx live sexy cams
  6. Pingback: la vida loca testo
  7. Pingback: Fuel delivery
  8. Pingback: سكس محارم
  9. Pingback: Sexy live girls
  10. Pingback: Freexxx
  11. Pingback: Porno videos
  12. Pingback: Sexy shemale
  13. Pingback: Hot babe
  14. Pingback: Cheap iphone case
  15. Pingback: mobile marketing
  16. Pingback: pegging
  17. Pingback: GlobalGeeks
  18. Pingback: سكس
  19. Pingback: MILF
  20. Pingback: سكس مترجم
  21. Pingback: DFS
  22. Pingback: Dr Kassabian
  23. Pingback: ryzen
  24. Pingback: criminal lawyer
  25. Pingback: prazdnik
  26. Pingback: cerco hacker
  27. Pingback: mp3 songs
  28. Pingback: djpunjab mp4
  29. Pingback: aflampornhd
  30. Pingback: Portrait Artist
  31. Pingback: hip hop dj
  32. Pingback: Broken tablet
  33. Pingback: Best Butt Plug
  34. Pingback: Anal Beads
  35. Pingback: Pure Wand Massager
  36. Pingback: Sex Lubricant
  37. Pingback: poker88
  38. Pingback: charged vibrator
  39. Pingback: how to use a vibe
  40. Pingback: jelly vibrator
  41. Pingback: MILF Porn
  42. Pingback: mp3juices
  43. Pingback: tubidy mp3
  44. Pingback: sasha grey 2 hole
  45. Pingback: big dildo reviews
  46. Pingback: powerful vibrator
  47. Pingback: triple stimulator
  48. Pingback: Bradley Derges
  49. Pingback: God
  50. Pingback: adam eve discount
  51. Pingback: rock off rapture
  52. Pingback: hosting
  53. Pingback: netflix free
  54. Pingback: خرید vpn
  55. Pingback: iPhone 5 Cable
  56. Pingback: Iphone charger
  57. Pingback: golfing for all
  58. Pingback: blow job tips
  59. Pingback: هپاش
  60. Pingback: app for laptop
  61. Pingback: MILF
  62. Pingback: holiday day
  63. Pingback: free gaming
  64. Pingback: oral vibe
  65. Pingback: vibrating bullet
  66. Pingback: datumoufukuiken
  67. Pingback: Magic Wand
  68. Pingback: Penis Pump
  69. Pingback: Best Kinky Bondage
  70. Pingback: Anal Toy
  71. Pingback: strapon female
  72. Pingback: clit gel
  73. Pingback: texty pesen
  74. Pingback: Dominatrix Bondage
  75. Pingback: Huge Dildos
  76. Pingback: سكس
  77. Pingback: Suction Cup Dildos
  78. Pingback: mp3 music download
  79. Pingback: برنامج
  80. Pingback: kegel balls
  81. Pingback: vibrator tickle
  82. Pingback: 6 inch dildo
  83. Pingback: free xlxx
  84. Pingback: Cheap Hosting
  85. Pingback: Philly Food
  86. Pingback: bondsman
  87. Pingback: سكس
  88. Pingback: junk car buyer
  89. Pingback: cockatiel
  90. Pingback: Abraaj
  91. Pingback: electric bike
  92. Pingback: hosting
  93. Pingback: cheap hoverboard
  94. Pingback: corsets and cuffs
  95. Pingback: purple hoverboard
  96. Pingback: what is arch dam
  97. Pingback: seo service
  98. Pingback: Biz Carlton
  99. Pingback: free phone cases
  100. Pingback: christian dogma
  101. Pingback: high performance
  102. Pingback: stock trading
  103. Pingback: retirement
  104. Pingback: Fast Track Amazon
  105. Pingback: FS 19 mods
  106. Pingback: yoyomedia
  107. Pingback: Endless game
  108. Pingback: blowjob
  109. Pingback: husky dog expert
  110. Pingback: mp3
  111. Pingback: Network Monitoring
  112. Pingback: djkhan
  113. Pingback: divine bazaar
  114. Pingback: rottweiler puppy
  115. Pingback: خرید کریو
  116. Pingback: Dance Lessons
  117. Pingback: imvu
  118. Pingback: celine
  119. Pingback: home
  120. Pingback: beauty courses
  121. Pingback: nail art courses
  122. Pingback: سكس
  123. Pingback: Raw food Cafe Bali
  124. Pingback: full apps download
  125. Pingback: aquarium
  126. Pingback: Valentino Garavani
  127. Pingback: Prada
  128. Pingback: Yves Saint Laurent
  129. Pingback: xxxmaduras
  130. Pingback: Interracial Porn
  131. Pingback: هپاش
  132. Pingback: ixxx
  133. Pingback: PRD Sales
  134. Pingback: رطوبت ساز
  135. Pingback: سكس عربي
  136. Pingback: largerbox
  137. Pingback: خرید vpn
  138. Pingback: Poker
  139. Pingback: bingo-voyance.com
  140. Pingback: Bottega Veneta
  141. Pingback: Burberry
  142. Pingback: lesbiana
  143. Pingback: xmobile pro
  144. Pingback: online coupons
  145. Pingback: beeg sex
  146. Pingback: Adult SEO
  147. Pingback: Bvlgari
  148. Pingback: Chloe
  149. Pingback: hdmobilesex.me
  150. Pingback: خرید vpn
  151. Pingback: rabbit vibrator
  152. Pingback: clone a willy
  153. Pingback: سكس مترجم
  154. Pingback: FS19 mods
  155. Pingback: porn podcast
  156. Pingback: سكس مترجم
  157. Pingback: Givenchy
  158. Pingback: خرید vpn
  159. Pingback: Parfum kopen

Leave a Reply