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Cobra vs. contraception: A G.I. Joe guide to safe sex

Janelle Vreeland

Knowing is half the battle: The Cobra Commander’s advice on the horizontal mambo

The following is a response to the G.I. Joe PSAs. In effort to scare teens into believing a great number of irresponsible falsehoods, Cobra, a “ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world,” presented an evil FAQ about “safe sex.” This is their sick take on safe sex education.

>>Begin transmission…>>

1. Why have the conversation about condoms?

Cobra Commander: To be fair, they’re important in some ways. Sex is great —  but there are risks involved, especially if you do it in a shark tank. Due to God’s Will, there are plenty of things to fear — diseases and such. Though, luckily for men, the chance of them becoming pregnant is quite low.

If you don’t want to end up with babies or a sexually transmitted disease then using a condom, even more than once, is essential. After all, there’s no fun in telling your familiar or parent that you have a STD or are pregnant — claiming Immaculate Conception only works so many times. Remember: sex is truly a terrifying, ulcer-inducing experience.

2.  Would it be doubly-safe wearing two condoms?

CC: No! The clash of the condoms rubbing together would probably cause them both to break or catch on fire. It would also be painful for the person wearing them, as it would probably create a massive rub burn. Additionally, you shouldn’t use the male and female condoms together, as the male and female condoms might actually reproduce.

3. Should I just have my partner sort everything out?

CC: Some people maintain that it’s the man’s job to provide safe sex, while others think protection is up to the woman. Truthfully, women actually have the power to kill sperm with their bodies, but they just want men to do the work for them. But since it takes two to do the nasty, both partners should be prepared. Most lovers aren’t toys, so you need to respect and protect them.

The ultimate show of respect being a barricade around the genitals. Also, having sex in a hot tub does not count as contraception. The chlorine will only bleach the sperm and your child will come out a loveless albino, not unlike Johnny or Edgar Winter.

4. What if neither of us have a condom?

CC: Well, you have better get one! There should be plenty of free ones at your local Middle School. But do not “MacGyver” a condom by using cheese wrapping and wire frame. Eatable contraception, such as the pill, is more effective than a condom is for preventing fertilization (especially if you use the troublesome “Fertility Condom”).

But it doesn’t effect your chances of getting an infection. At any event, you may want to scan your body regularly with Norton AntiVirus software.

If you’re the shy type, vending machines are a good alternative to buying them in a store. But make sure they’re condoms and not individually-wrapped Funyuns.

And if you happen to be single, keeping condoms on you at all times takes the pressure off scrounging for one at the last minute. For “safe accesorizing,” the Trojan Fanny Pack is always a nice option!

5.  But will I look “easy” if I have condoms around?

CC: No — it makes you look like you’re mature enough to look after yourself. Even Jesus will be tempted to high five you from Heaven.

If you’re going out for the night, it’s always safe to have a condom on you. By putting one on the table when you help pay for the bill, shows your date you mean business. But don’t keep it in your wallet for an extended period of time, as it may actually damage the condom, spreading decay and rot throughout the contents of your wallet.

Remember: Condoms need to be stored in a cool, dry place, like the birth canal of a woman at Comic-Con. They also have a sell-by date on the packet…so be sure to check the freshness date!

>>…End Transmission>>

Note: This piece just may be satirical in nature

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