Ah, Valentine’s Day… That special day of the year that always reminds me of love, romance, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, and how many eskimo brothers I probably have. But let’s be honest: in terms of pointless hallmark holidays that for the mere sake of commercialism celebrate things that should be celebrated every day, Valentine’s Day surely takes the cake. Putting aside the obvious good intentions behind the holiday, it relegates the importance of showing love to one another at all times to a single day out of the year; moreover, it insists that we show our love through buying things.
But despite its commercially contrived message, there are still redeeming qualities to the holiday—both for couples and singles! So I thought I’d use the time I’m not spending at CVS looking for shit that might get me laid to write this article on the pros and cons of being single/in a relationship on Valentine’s Day!
Being In a Relationship Pros:
1. You’re almost guaranteed to have sex with your partner
Yep it’s pretty sweet knowing you’d have to mess up something fierce in order to not get laid today. I mean both parties are clearly trying to get some, so if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and neither of you end up getting your rocks off, then something probably went wrong somewhere along the way. Just be sure to have the correct name on all your gifts. Makes a huge difference.
2. You get free candy
And the free candy sometimes has messagages written on it, like “B mine” or “love u 4evr” or “thanks 4 the herpes.”
…Ok that last one isn’t a ‘pro’ but getting free candy is.
3. You get to be blissfully ignorant of how hard it is to be alone
If that sounds depressing to you, congrats you’re not a sociopath. Too often do people (and sometimes myself) experience the sting of lonliness on this day of love and companionship. But not to worry! Thankfully, people in relationships get to revel in the fact that they aren’t alone, and thus experience even more happiness!
1. If you don’t have sex, you know your relationship is falling apart like a sad oily house of cards
Assuming you didn’t just start dating (or you did and you’re both just a couple of freaks), if you don’t sheathe the ol’ pork sword on Valentine’s Day, the spark in your relationship is clearly no more/not there. Best to call it what it is before one or both of you ends up in the paper.
2. You don’t actually get free candy
With all the cards and chocolates and flowers and pink teddy bears you’ll be buying for your significant other, the candy you receive is basically marked at airport prices. Nothing says “I love you” like spending lots of money on shit that’ll be forgotten about it a couple of days!
3. You forget how awesome it is to be single
Obvously not true for everyone, but a lot of people are able to see just how much greener the grass is on the other side after this hallmark holiday makes them realize how much they don’t love the person they’re with.
So I may end on a positive note, I’ll start with the obvious ‘being single’ cons:
1. Being single
The first thing that comes to mind for me (being single) is to celebrate V-day by going out, buying a few bottles of wine and some ice cream, and going back home to get drunk and fat while laying naked on my floor screaming Adele songs at my terrified cat with Lifetime original movies playing in the background.
2. Being single
No cards, chocolates, gifts, companionship, affection, kissing, hugging, cuddling, loving, sharing of deep emotional aspects of life, lack of emptiness inside and sense of purpose etc…
3. Being single
And having to look at all the happy couples’ stupid happy faces all over the place…
Being single pros:
How awesome is it to not be held down, not hold someone else down, and to just be able to go out and fuck anybody? It’s pretty sweet, and if you see someone in a bar on Valentine’s Day, chances are pretty good that they came alone and intend to leave not alone. So go get ‘em horny people!
2. More money to spend on yourself
Why don’t you take that second half of your paycheck you were going to spend on candy and bullshit and head on down to the strip club instead! Hey as long as society’s idea of love is being bastardized by corporate marketing, why not take it a step further and experience the kind of love only a company with a C rating from the Better Business Bureau can provide?
Yeah, it’s cheesey but just go with it for a second. People are constantly pressured by society into looking outside for validation and acceptance, and Valentine’s Day is a big part of this in American culture. People who are alone on Valentine’s Day may feel a sense of decreased self-worth; they may feel no one wants them or that they aren’t likable enough, outgoing enough, or good enough in some way to be with someone. This is of course untrue. I’m of the opinion that the grumpy cat meme which says, “If you’re feeling alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember no one loves you on any other day of the year either” is actually an uplifting sentiment. There really isn’t anything special about this day. It was invented to give us another opportunity to spend money. But at the same time, it does spread a positive message of love and acceptance. The important thing to remember is that you matter no less to the people who care about you than on any other day of the year.
So if you’re single today, go out and enjoy yourself. Bang someone you don’t even know (but be safe, obviously). Or don’t; stay home and eat ice cream, it’s up to you. If you’re in a relationship, be sure to treat your significant other with the same level of respect and adoration throughout the year as you do on this day. But overall, just remember that there are people in this world who care about you whether you’re alone on Valentine’s Day or not.