“At the end of the semester, I moved into a large four-bedroom house with three extremely attractive women who have known each other since high school. Things are going great so far, but I can’t stress these girls’ absurd hotness enough, which actually presents somewhat of a problem for a guy in my position: private shitting. So, when can I take a proper crap without worrying about the potency, loud farts, excessive time spent, etc.? I’d like to drop a deuce in private, and I’m sick of running to the nasty ass gas station up the block to do so.”
– Constant Turtle
First and foremost, Mr. Turtle, do not panic. Remember that you’ve won the roommate sweepstakes and embrace the “absurd hotness” now enveloping you like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night. Situations like this are rare in life; embrace them.
Now, to your problem: the obvious solution here is that you just need to get on a proper schedule so that you can shit in private and on your own good time. To accomplish this, the first thing you need to determine is a 10-15 time period during the day when your roommates are never around. Whether they are at work, school, practice… whatever, just study their habits to help accommodate your own.
Once you’ve cleared aside an acceptable and convenient portion of the day, you need to begin your actual training. What this really comes down to is regulating your diet. Most people with erratic shitting schedules don’t eat enough fiber, so be sure to increase your consumption of grains, beans, and fruits and veggies. (If you don’t like these foods, tough shit… literally.) Also, hydration is a key factor in achieving and maintaining a healthy colon and a well-coordinated B.M., so make sure that you’re drinking the recommended 8-10 glasses of water daily. It might seem excessive, but you’d be surprised at how quickly you get used to it, and it helps eliminate any sugary garbage from your liquid diet.
Finally, because eating is like an ignition switch for your digestive system, the optimal food baby delivery time is roughly 30 minutes after you eat. So depending on the time of day you’ve carved out to give birth, try and grab a bite beforehand.
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