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Janelle Vreeland

Painfully Pretty: Beauty products that go the extra mile in discomfort

Check out these beauty school dropouts! [Note: This article just might be satire]

Warning: These featured products were tested by a competitor company who took their infomercial-like selling points and “revised” them. Not surprisingly, it has some irregularities that seem a little dishonest.

1. Improve your posture with iPosture!

A relatively small and discreet sensor, the iPosture can be attached to your clothing, e.g. a woman’s bra, and when you slouch, it gently reminds you to straighten up with a series of vibrations. The vibrations also leave you feeling incredibly turned on. (Tip: wear it on top of the washer when the laundry load is off balance and you’ll actually lose weight!).

Once you correct your posture, it will vibrate once more in approval, leaving you irritable and tense through its “posture fear-mongering.” If it vibrates twice, well, let’s just say you better hope you don’t have fillings.

It adapts to your body type and adjusts accordingly; if you are a midget, the adjustment will be even easier as you are technically too small to slouch. If you need to, you can pause it by pressing the button for three seconds. Or if you want it to stay off, you can hold it down for an additional 40 seconds, or lay it down on the table to turn it off, though you will have to anticipate constant positive posture updates about your straight furniture.

2. Lose weight with Weight Loss Sunglasses!

Lose weight by wearing these sunglasses, tinted with the least palatable color of the spectrum. Certain colors in the spectrum can stimulate appetite while others tend to discourage it. (Then there are the colors that fall into a displeasing picture menu from Denny’s.)

The color blue typically conveys calmness and tranquility, like the Smurfs, but it can also be cold and depressing─like Mystique.

Apply this theory to food and it deters your appetite while making you incredibly manic depressive. Wearer be warned: They can also impair your vision, causing you to crash violently into the projectionist at the movies, flinging your blue Junior Mints everywhere. Clearly, the Weigh Loss Sunglasses are beer goggles’ evil twin.

3. The Beauty Voice Trainer

The Beauty Voice Trainer gives you a sexy songlike voice in just five minutes a day. (Product void for Kathleen Turner). Under normal circumstances, the human throat is restricted─are you listening, San Francisco?

The Trainer is designed to widen your vocal passages. The dust bunnies that descend into your throat strengthen your vocal cords, resulting in a much stronger sound. With the Trainer, you’ll no longer have to accept cheap duck call substitutes! It also improves your abdominal breathing which is essential for singers, though, if over-used, it can even help you with even lower abdominal breathing, i.e. genital breathing.

And the bonus tuning fork guide helps you achieve the elusive notes you desire. In no time, you’ll be singing the electric guitar! It also trains you to recognize pitch intervals along with the newly-formed inflammation forming in your throat. Finally, you’ll achieve your vocal potential while disturbing all wildlife in your wake.

DVD review: Cinematic Titanic – The Alien Factor

“The Alien Factor” showcases Cinematic Titanic at its best: Performing in front of an live audience.

Now in its third full year, the movie-mocking supergroup Cinematic Titanic has come a long way since its inception in December 2007.

The group features many of the stars and writers of the cult TV show “Mystery Science Theater 3000”, which followed the trials of a bejumpsuited Midwesterner who found himself stranded in space, thanks to some mad scientists, then forced to watch some of the worst movies ever made.

Although the cast changed over the series’ ten-year run, the basic premise remained. The television audience watching at home found themselves in the theater with our hero and his wisecracking robot pals as they riffed and joked their way through some hilariously bad celluloid stinkers.

Now, more than ten years after the series’ cancellation, most of the cast and writers have continued the art and comedy form they pioneered, with Cinematic Titanic, boasting five MST3K alum. Included in Cinematic Titanic is the original MST3K cast, consisting of series creator Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, and J. Elvis Weinstein, as well as Frank Conniff and Mary Jo Pehl, actors who joined the show later on in the show’s run.

What began as a primarily DVD driven venture has grown into a traveling live performance experience, and their ninth and latest release, The Alien Factor, captures their growth as performers.

The Alien Factor is Cinematic Titanic’s second foray into the world of live performance releases, and this installment, like the previous East Meets Watts, presents the movie for viewers in a unconventional way. Rather than simply seeing the performers’ silhouettes, or just the back of their heads, the Titans (that’s what they’re called) face the viewer and frame the screen without obscuring it.

This unique set up allows the viewer to see the performers and their expressions, making it truer to a live show experience than in the comedians’ past work. Although the live DVDs stray from the silhouetted look of the studio releases, they capture the energy, chemistry, and spontaneity that makes their work so funny — even when working with cinematic scat like The Alien Factor.

Speaking of which: The Alien Factor is a 1970s sci-fi flick that follows the story of a small town in Maryland whose citizens are being terrorized and killed by mysterious alien creatures — one of whom wears, as the Titans points out, “mom jeans.”

Filled with poor lighting, laughable costumes, and acting that ranges from over-the-top to “barely there,” the movie on its own is sure to make you chuckle. But when placed in the capable hands of the Titans, it becomes even more entertaining. And the riffing never stops, even when the action onscreen simply becomes a woman haphazardly wandering through the forest.

Often times, the Titans are at their best when the movies they use simply come to a screeching halt. This was the case during the days of MST3K and it holds true now. All of the Titans shine in this DVD, and watching them crack up at one another’s lines and deliveries illustrates why, after so many years, they continue to get together and poke fun at some of the goofiest films ever made.

Cobra vs. contraception: A G.I. Joe guide to safe sex

Knowing is half the battle: The Cobra Commander’s advice on the horizontal mambo

The following is a response to the G.I. Joe PSAs. In effort to scare teens into believing a great number of irresponsible falsehoods, Cobra, a “ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world,” presented an evil FAQ about “safe sex.” This is their sick take on safe sex education.

>>Begin transmission…>>

1. Why have the conversation about condoms?

Cobra Commander: To be fair, they’re important in some ways. Sex is great —  but there are risks involved, especially if you do it in a shark tank. Due to God’s Will, there are plenty of things to fear — diseases and such. Though, luckily for men, the chance of them becoming pregnant is quite low.

If you don’t want to end up with babies or a sexually transmitted disease then using a condom, even more than once, is essential. After all, there’s no fun in telling your familiar or parent that you have a STD or are pregnant — claiming Immaculate Conception only works so many times. Remember: sex is truly a terrifying, ulcer-inducing experience.

2.  Would it be doubly-safe wearing two condoms?

CC: No! The clash of the condoms rubbing together would probably cause them both to break or catch on fire. It would also be painful for the person wearing them, as it would probably create a massive rub burn. Additionally, you shouldn’t use the male and female condoms together, as the male and female condoms might actually reproduce.

3. Should I just have my partner sort everything out?

CC: Some people maintain that it’s the man’s job to provide safe sex, while others think protection is up to the woman. Truthfully, women actually have the power to kill sperm with their bodies, but they just want men to do the work for them. But since it takes two to do the nasty, both partners should be prepared. Most lovers aren’t toys, so you need to respect and protect them.

The ultimate show of respect being a barricade around the genitals. Also, having sex in a hot tub does not count as contraception. The chlorine will only bleach the sperm and your child will come out a loveless albino, not unlike Johnny or Edgar Winter.

4. What if neither of us have a condom?

CC: Well, you have better get one! There should be plenty of free ones at your local Middle School. But do not “MacGyver” a condom by using cheese wrapping and wire frame. Eatable contraception, such as the pill, is more effective than a condom is for preventing fertilization (especially if you use the troublesome “Fertility Condom”).

But it doesn’t effect your chances of getting an infection. At any event, you may want to scan your body regularly with Norton AntiVirus software.

If you’re the shy type, vending machines are a good alternative to buying them in a store. But make sure they’re condoms and not individually-wrapped Funyuns.

And if you happen to be single, keeping condoms on you at all times takes the pressure off scrounging for one at the last minute. For “safe accesorizing,” the Trojan Fanny Pack is always a nice option!

5.  But will I look “easy” if I have condoms around?

CC: No — it makes you look like you’re mature enough to look after yourself. Even Jesus will be tempted to high five you from Heaven.

If you’re going out for the night, it’s always safe to have a condom on you. By putting one on the table when you help pay for the bill, shows your date you mean business. But don’t keep it in your wallet for an extended period of time, as it may actually damage the condom, spreading decay and rot throughout the contents of your wallet.

Remember: Condoms need to be stored in a cool, dry place, like the birth canal of a woman at Comic-Con. They also have a sell-by date on the packet…so be sure to check the freshness date!

>>…End Transmission>>

Note: This piece just may be satirical in nature

Terrible/good advice for your dating needs

This practically does the work for you!

The advice below was from a Maxim Magazine column that was later recalled, as it was deemed not sexist enough. Much of the material below could be considered parody… because it is.

Studies have proved time and time again that the first impressions men form as a result of someone’s appearance can be surprisingly accurate, illustrating just how important it is in remembering to always LOOK HOT. Considering this often leads people to reexamine the image they are projecting (for example, maybe ladies could project something a little closer to Hooters and Suicide Girls reenacting Star Wars.) Anyway, in an effort to help, we give you the traits men notice immediately and how you can improve upon them (according to the opposite sex).

1. Hair

As men, we have no idea what your hair care entails. Words like split ends or roots will just make us think about Treebeard in battle and that mini-series featuring Geordi. And all that will come of that will be “Roots”-related tears and a tendency to zone out as you talk about your day. In any case, your hair must be two things: silky and fresh smelling. Perhaps like a fruity laundry detergent–not Safeway Select, though. That smells like pumpkin guts and The Y.

Also, taking too much time preparing your hair is just seen as withholding sex from us. And if it’s time to cut your hair, consider a new hair style that somehow suggests awesome sandwich-making abilities.

2. Smile

Ladies, does your smile seem warm and genuine? Well, it better, because a smile can mean many things. It can communicate bemusement, or it can represent an emasculating resentment for our pungent Axe Spray and Axe Odor Remover, causing us to wonder why your overbite threatens us so while the rest of your teeth angrily curse at our mothers as they penetrate and crack our soft eye contacts we got at Trader Joe’s.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get in and out of there to buy more!? Stop it! Let’s review: HAVE A PERFECT SMILE. If you are without a perfect smile, consider Joe Biden dentures. (Looking at him is like gazing at a gentlemanly Cheshire Cat.)

3. Cleavage

Here’s a best-kept secret in the realm of guy-hood: guys like to look at your chest. Often, they will do so for several hours at a time; in fact, chest-looking has been a more desirable profession than any job in the last 900 years, according to men from ages 9 to 90.

Clearly, you should be taking notes and incorporating them into every area of your life. Who’s going to judge you if you unbutton your shirt at funerals? The deceased? They’re not talking!

But seriously, look at employees of cleavage-based professions like Katy Perry. (She’s doing pretty well now). Men will more than likely notice how you’re showing off what you’ve got, but, just in case, bring a special scrapbook as a backup of said cleavage.

As a last resort you might consider garnishing your cleavage with bacon bits… or copies of Modern Warfare 2.

4. Skin

You know that huge blemish you’ve been agonizing over all day? Chances are guys won’t even notice it (after all, they’re still looking at that fantastic cleavage!). What will they notice, however, is an odd tan, especially if you look like an Oompa-Loompa ready to sing about the dangers of children eating chocolate. Be cautious and aware. And if you see a river of chocolate, get the hell away!