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Michael DeLaney

John Zawahri kills 6 and wounds 4

The latest instance of gun violence in America

John Zawahri shot a dozen people last Friday and a lot of us probably didn’t even notice. On the afternoon of June 7, John Zawahri killed his father and brother in their Santa Monica, Calif. home then proceeded to take his violence outside, ending with his death at Santa Monica College.

John Zawarhi’s attack has wounded four people and claimed the lives of six others, the most recent passing away after complications on Sunday. Nearly every news report has labeled this latest case of gun violence as a “rampage.” While the entire case history and John Zawahri’s motivations are still unclear, law enforcement officials are beginning to piece Zawahri’s history together.

Those that knew 23-year-old John Zawahri paint a familiar picture from past shooting perpetrators, the same horrifying TV show that is replayed over and over again on an unending loop. A friend of John Zawahri’s family told the Los Angeles Times, “John had a fascination with guns. We were all worried about it.” She spoke fondly of Zawahri’s mother but said that her son was “crazy.”

As in many similar stories, investigators are wondering where John Zawarhi got the weapons used in the attack. At the end of the violence, police shot John Zawarhi dead and found weapons on his person and in his bag including a handgun, an AR-15 semiautomatic rifle and 1300 rounds of ammo.

It hasn’t even been a year since the movie theater shooting in Aurora, Colorado, and America has already seen scores of mass shootings and violent attacks; among them are the Newtown, Conn. school shootings and the Boston Marathon bombings.

Liberal Americans cry out for stricter gun control while conservatives say that the guns aren’t responsible for these deaths and injuries, but rather our inability to properly identify these mentally disturbed individuals is.

A study of mass shootings was conducted by the “Mayors Against Illegal Guns,” studying gun violence in America from January 2009-January 2013. The study “did not find evidence that any of the shooters were prohibited from possessing guns by federal law because they had been adjudicated mentally ill or involuntarily committed for treatment.”

“Mayors Against Illegal Guns” found that 7% of these incidents indicated that the shooters’ mental health had been a prior issue of concern from doctors, teachers or other legal authorities. John Zawahri also falls in this category.  A few years ago John Zawahri was hospitalized for mental health issues, allegedly talking about harming someone. Police also had a run-in with Zawahri in 2006, but since he was a minor at the time they have not shared the details.

Despite mental health issues along with a troubled and possibly abusive home, John Zawahri still managed to get his hands on an assault rifle. People who knew him had their suspicions about John Zawahri and he still had a deadly weapon in his possession that ended the lives of six people and violently altered the lives of those that knew them.

The Santa Monica violence is another regrettable mass shooting to add to America’s growing career belt. Gun owners don’t want their freedom infringed upon, which is an American virtue that is understandable and respectable. Gun advocates in the NRA don’t want to lose their right to keep and bear arms.

 But Americans against gun violence don’t want to take anyone’s rights away; they just want to keep their own right to live.

The Deer Doritos Bag

A potential new species?

Today’s headlines are full of emotionally-driven stories: the Trayvon Martin case, Nelson Mandela’s failing health but eclipsing them all is the Deer Doritos Bag story. This harrowing tale of personal trauma and extraordinary resolve is touching the minds and hearts of animals and snack foods all across the country.

Coming to us from the Florida Keys the story of the Deer Doritos Bag is one that we sadly hear about more and more these days. On Saturday, June 8 a Big Pine deputy discovered a Key deer that had happened upon a Doritos bag. The Doritos bag inexplicably managed to find its way on top of the deer’s head. Thus a new species of mammal and snack bag was inadvertently created: the Deer Doritos Bag.

The Monroe County sheriff’s deputy rescued the Doritos bag from the deer’s head, but first took a picture of the cross-species; I’m assuming for zoology’s sake. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services seem curiously more concerned with the well-being of the Key deer. The Key deer is a sub-species of the Florida Keys. Though once endangered, there are now around 800 in the area. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services didn’t comment on the state of the new Deer Doritos Bag, nor snack foods in general.

Typically the life cycle of a snack bag such as Doritos is made up of three stages. Stage 1: Preservation. The snack bag’s first role is as a storage unit that keeps the delicious contents within fresh. Stage 2: Serving Dish. The snack bag (in this case the Deer Doritos Bag) develops into its adolescence as a vessel to hold its snacklings as they are being consumed. Stage 3: Litter. The final period in the life of a snack bag is its saddest. In the twilight of its life, with nothing left but cheese dust and regret, the snack bag is discarded (usually in a wooded area) left to die alone.

This particular snack bag was lucky enough to form a brief symbiotic relationship with another organism, as the Deer Doritos Bag. It is unclear if this is the first appearance of the Deer Doritos Bag occurring in nature. Even more uncertain is how the two entities will fair separately after merging to become the Deer Doritos Bag.

News outlets have yet to report on what flavor of Doritos the Deer Doritos Bag contained.

Mad Men: "Favors" recap

Or how I stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb

If Mad Men has taught us one thing it’s that Sally Draper just can’t catch a break. AMC’s hit show really seems to revel in the misadventures of adolescence from the viewpoint of Don Draper’s oldest child. Played by the delightful Kiernan Shipka, Sally has been exposed to a lot of life lessons, many of which she might’ve learned in a sex Ed class; if those were offered back then. But we’ll get back to all of that in a bit.

Mad Men’s eleventh episode of its sixth season was titled “Favors,” which is appropriate for a show where nearly every character has their own agenda. The episode featured Don, Sally and Pete vying for the top story, as well as some B stories involving Peggy and a rambunctious rat.

Don Draper’s neighbors Arnold and Sylvia are distraught because their Vietnam draft-dodging son Mitchell might not be able to escape his own personal Apocalypse Now for much longer. Throughout the episode Don tries to pull some strings so the little long-hair won’t have to go over to ‘Nam after all.

Don, the loveable jackass of Mad Men, has his own personal stakes in the young tree hugger’s fate. Stake 1: Don had been schtupping the boy’s mother Sylvia until recently and so desperately wants a way back into her good graces/pants. Stake 2: Mad Men thoroughly enjoys beating its viewers over the head with Don’s existential woes. “I have to save young Mitchell from the war and thus can save young Don,” etc.

The flip side of this desperate tale of pre-escape from Vietnam is Sally and her friend Julie bumping into the missing Jonas Brother Mitchell and writing about his butt in a diary. Sally has a crush on the feather-haired stick figure, because, hormones and some such. Through a chance circumstance that might’ve seemed too conventional for a Mad Men plot (and some help from a bumbling doorman/lil’ Carmine from The Sopranos) Sally found her way into Sylvia’s apartment. While there she inevitably caught Don and Sylvia in the act of “thank you for helping my son dodge the draft” sex.

Pete Campbell, the wonderful little snot that he is, has been having troubles with his mother this season on Mad Men. Pete received an unsolicited favor from new Mad Men mystery man Bob Benson, who recommended a caretaker for Pete’s mother. Turns out that this new nurse Manolo is also the Latin lover of the elderly Mrs. Campbell. Our resident weasel was not pleased about this and let Bob know it. And in a strange case of subtlety coming out, Bob implied that he had feelings for the ferret-like Pete.

So now you can stop all of the Mad Men Bob Benson theorizing, he’s not a CIA mole he’s just gay! We’ll have to see how this one plays out, I highly doubt that Pete and Bob will have a happy rainbow ending, but I also don’t think that Bob is going anywhere any time soon. Former token gay man Salvatore was outed by Don and thus forced to leave the agency/show. It would probably be in poor taste if Mad Men through another gay man under the bus so callously.

And how about Sally walking in on Don and Sylvia!? I must admit that I was thoroughly pleased with this, as Don seems to get everything and everyone that he wants with no consequences (other than the occasional mid-life crisis death fantasy.) Sally, who last season walked in on Megan’s mother Marie performing an oral examination on Roger Sterling, is growing up fast. She undoubtedly is learning that her father is by rights a horrible human; thank God someone is figuring this out, cue Megan “You are the sweetest man!” Oh Megan, you really must get out more.

There’s only one episode left until Mad Men’s season finale on June 23. Will there be any big shockers of the death/sex/drug variety? Will Mad Men turn into Manolo’s Mad Men or How to Bed the Elderly? And will Peggy learn to put her hate aside and become friends with her rat roommates?

Find out next time on I want you to buy my client’s product and I also sleep around but deep down I’m really a nice guy!


Faux Arrested Development LinkedIn profiles

Copywriter pulls a Gene Parmesan

Recruiters using LinkedIn have made a huge mistake: they’ve approached fake Arrested Development character accounts for jobs. The cult TV series returned for a new season on Netflix a week ago, but the faux LinkedIn profiles weren’t created on Netflix’s behalf.

The fake LinkedIn accounts were concocted by Justin Racz, a freelance copywriter looking to boost his visibility for potential clients on the social media site. Racz crafted LinkedIn accounts for fan-favorite characters from Arrested Development such as George Bluth Sr., Tobias Fünke and G.O.B. Bluth.

Social media parody accounts aren’t a new fad by any means, with scores of fake celebrity accounts spread across the Twitter-sphere. What makes Justin Racz’s LinkedIn story stand out is that it was written to stand out.

The arrival of the new season of Arrested Development on Netflix came with a lot of buzz and discussion among fans. Racz decided to piggyback off of that discussion and showcase his writing in the process.  

In an interview with ABC News, Racz detailed his devotion to the show, saying: “I thought it would be a great way to ride kind of the coattails of the buzz for it. I’m not kidding when I tell you this it is my lullaby. I have heard … each show multiple times … so like a child listening to a lullaby who knows the story and can just fall asleep, that’s what I would do. I would put it in my computer and close my eyes and fall asleep. It was my lullaby.” 

Like many Arrested Development fans, Racz’s love of the show made him familiar with the distinct voices of its characters, which he injected into their LinkedIn profiles. Since he created the accounts, recruiters have reached out to them and Racz has responded under the guise of each character. Additional links in the Bluth profiles redirect viewers to Racz’s own LinkedIn account.

38-year-old Racz has been in copywriting for 15 years, but was worried that he was becoming “old school,” which lead the LinkedIn idea. Old school or not, the avant-garde portfolio boast seems to have paid off for the copywriter.

“Recruiters, creative recruiters, have emailed and thought I’d be great for different clients, that my humor would be spot on for certain brands, so I’m speaking to a few of them,” Racz told ABC News.

Initially Racz simply wanted to create celebrity profiles before his friend suggested the Arrested Development LinkedIn profiles. Thank God he settled on the Bluth family, because the world really doesn’t need another fake Justin Bieber account.

Vine video app descends to Android

Just as God’s chosen people awaited their Messiah, so too have Android users awaited the arrival of the Vine video app. Rejoice ye faithful, for unto you a Vine app is born.

For the non-believers out there, Vine is a Twitter app which allows users to share short video clips up to six seconds long, which are then posted to users’ Twitter feed. Therefore if you want to convey your distaste for Miley Cyrus’ new haircut but just can’t muster the energy/140 characters, you can upload a Vine video of you screaming for six seconds instead.

Launched in January of this year, Vine was previously only available for iOS devices. But after 40 days and 40 nights, (plus 90 more of each) the followers of Android now have the opportunity to take part in this video holy communion.  

In a similar expression of blind faith, Twitter Cofounder Jack Dorsey tweeted a Vine video for the launch. The video depicted the magnificence Vine had to offer Android users as Dorsey stood atop the San Francisco Bay Bridge.  

Vine for Android operates on devices with Android 4.0 or higher, and while this gift has been handed down from Twitter on high, it does not yet have all of the available features that the iOS devices do.

For the moment the Vine for Android app doesn’t have features such as the ability to use @mentions nor hashtags. Thus #vineistheglory will be rendered meaningless for the time being.  In addition, Droid devices won’t have the capability to shoot video with the front-facing camera, search for tags and people or upload your Vine videos to Facebook.

So until these features are added, Android users will be separated from the iOS by a sea of differences waited to be parted.

Penelope Cruz is the new Bond Girl

Coincidentally, she is 40

A leak from MI6 tells us that Penélope Cruz  is set to be the next “Bond Girl.”   

Perez Hilton reported last night that Penélope Cruz  will be the latest female vying for James Bond’s attention in the currently untitled 24th 007 film. The leading lady in Volver and voice of a guinea pig in G-Force, Penélope Cruz  joins a long line of Bond Girls such as Ursula Andress (Dr. No) and Halle Berry (Die Another Day.)

A lot of buzz surrounding Penélope Cruz ’s turn as a Bond Girl is her age, and rightfully so. When production on the new Bond film begins in 2014, Penélope Cruz  will be the oldest Bond Girl to date at 40-years-old. This of course will change the entire landscape of the film, thus ruining the series completely.

How exactly can you have a Bond Girl be portrayed by an actress past her prime? What will her Bond Girl name be? “Ovra da Hill?” I hope that MGM has plenty of walkers on hand. The concept just seems completely ludicrous. The oldest Bond Girl before Cruz was Honor Blackman, who was 37 at the time of Goldfinger, which is easily the most reviled James Bond movie of all time.

Now you may protest that the argument is moot because current James Bond actor Daniel Craig is 45, but that is obviously a completely different conversation. I mean first off he’s a dude. Secondly he’s got killer abs. And just like Craig, 58-year-old Roger Moore was a totally passable babe magnet in A View to a Kill. So what does Penélope Cruz have? An Academy Award? So does Norbit. #32 on Men’s Health’s “100 Hottest Women of All-Time?” Call me when she breaks the top 30.

Bottom line: shouldn’t Penélope Cruz just throw in the towel on this Bond Girl thing and retire already? She has a two-year-old kid with Javier Bardem, the villain from last year’s Skyfall; clearly no coincidence there.

I just don’t know if a 40-year-old can take on the grueling acting job of being a Bond Girl. They should call up a younger and more talented actress. Like Selena Gomez.



Michael Douglas links throat cancer to HPV

Oral sex does not equal cancer FYI

Michael Douglas is either severely misunderstood or all sorts of crazytown banana pants.

Over the weekend news broke that Michael Douglas said to The Guardian that his throat cancer is caused by oral sex…and also cured by it?

Michael Douglas was diagnosed with throat cancer in 2010, believing it to be the result of heavy drinking and smoking, and you know, science. Now he has gone back on that statement, instead blaming the cancer on HPV (human papillomavirus.)

Douglas said, “Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

Truth be told, this is probably one of the stranger sentences to exit the mouth of a human being. Nevertheless, after careful examination, it must be said that Michael Douglas never actually claimed that his cancer was caused by oral sex.

While Douglas linked his cancer to HPV and also linked HPV to cunnilingus, he never connected all of these dots in one sweeping statement. In other words, A=B and B=C but A does not necessarily equal C.  No transitive property at work here folks! This confusion has since been cleared up in the press by Michael Douglas’ rep Allen Burry as well.

Along with being an over-enthusiast of the smoke and the drink, Michael Douglas is also a sex addict. So while his statements may seem a little ludicrous, the man who played Gordon Gekko might know a thing or two about the STDs. 

The interview with The Guardian revealed that Douglas also seems to subscribe to the notion that oral sex can cure the cancer just as it causes it.

“But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer.” He shrugs. “And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

Now this just confuses me. Which side of the great cunnilingus debate does Michael Douglas stand on? We must know!

Douglas’ wife Catherine Zeta-Jones is probably interested to hear the answer as well.

Bruce Jenner digs into Kanye West

“Kanye’s not around”

Bruce Jenner, the fill-in patriarch of the Kardashian family, thinks that Kanye West needs to get his love locked down.

On May 31 Bruce Jenner was interviewed by Extra, accompanied by his still totally relevant son Brody. The appearance was in promotion for last night’s premiere of E!’s experimental western noir Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which is entering its eighth season.

Bruce Jenner, Olympian and facial reconstruction guinea pig, was engaged in a tête-à-tête of conversation fluff with human dolphin Maria Menounos. When Menounos asked Jenner about Kim Kardashian’s baby-daddy beau Kanye West however, he didn’t really have much to say about the self-proclaimed “God of Rap.”

Bruce Jenner said that “He’s not around! He’s in Paris the whole time writing, he just hasn’t been around.” This resulted in a porpoise gasp provided by the seasoned journalist Menounos.

In a strange instance of humility, Brody Jenner interjected on Mr. West’s behalf, saying “I’ve never met him…but Kim says great things about him…and so does the entire family.”

The whole discussion of Kanye West’s nonexistence in the pregnant Kardashian’s life was ironically preceded by another absent father tale. Brody Jenner opened up about his stint on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, saying: 

“Over the years as I was a kid, I hate to say it, but Bruce wasn’t around all the time, he was sometimes, but we started hanging out and developing a relationship, and his whole life is on television.”

There’s so much father/son turmoil and emotion going on here that Oedipus himself would weep! If only Extra had appropriately scored the affair with Cat’s in the Cradle. Maybe in the sequel.

Will Bruce Jenner reacquaint himself with his son?  Does Brody Jenner realize that he’s not starring in a spin-off to The Hills? And most importantly, will Bruce Jenner make nice with Kanye West and potentially appear in a music video sporting a sequined leather jacket whilst holding a white tiger on a leash? 

Find out next time on Keeping Up with the Kardashians! (Sundays at 9 EST)

You should read: Brothels, sex, Kardashian and Lamar Odom

Game of Thrones shock ending

Spoilers for last night’s epsiode

Last night’s episode of Game of Thrones was one of those curious pop culture/social media marriages that lead to fans’ shock and outrage ruling the Twittersphere. If you haven’t seen last night’s Game of Thrones then you might want to stop reading.

Like NOW.

The Lannisters, Game of Thrones’ resident Mean Girls, were absent from this latest installment but their presence was most definitely felt at the episode’s end. The basics of this brutal plot twist are these: lionhearted pretty boy King Robb Stark went back on a vow that he made to Lord Walder Frey (who used to roam the halls of Gryffindor for you Harry Potter wizards out there) and Frey in turn decided to exact bloody vengeance.

Earlier in the season King Robb (Richard Madden) made a promise to Lord Frey (David Bradley) that he would marry one of his daughters in exchange for support in the Stark’s war against the Lannisters. Robb broke said promise because he was in love, which of course conquers all. Except for knives and arrows; love doesn’t conquer those.

So it was that Lord Frey extended the olive branch to our Abercrombie model King and the Starks were welcomed into his home for a wedding and feast. Just when everyone seemed like bffs again, the Starks got unceremoniously mowed down by Lord Frey’s men on the behalf of those platinum pricks the Lannisters.

The event in this season’s penultimate episode is known to Game of Thrones readers as “The Red Wedding” (nothing ominous there.) The Red Wedding was a turn in the series which originally took place in creator George R.R. Martin’s novel A Storm of Swords.  

Game of Thrones has never shied away from the blood and guts, but this latest bloodbath was certainly more memorable in its violence.  It began with the vicious stabbing of Robb’s wife Talisa, along with her unborn child. Robb and his mother Catelyn then are taken down by multiple arrows before both having their throats slit.  Fade to black.

Yikes. The stabbing of a pregnant woman’s belly alone is enough to give you the night terrors.  Game of Thrones just cleared the deck of a handful of fan favorite characters; I mean they even killed the dog (wolf)!

Other highlights from the episode include young paraplegic/psychic wonder child Bran using the force, Daenerys Targaryen continuing her conquest across the lands and Jon Snow being a perpetual buzz kill.

None of those plot points are worth a pint of mead compared to that mass execution at the end of the episode.  Game of Thrones excels at its word-of-mouth shock marketing, and this is just the latest conversation piece. The Red Wedding will undoubtedly have Game of Thrones fans talking all week about the violence, the surprise and next week’s season finale.

Hulk Hogan defeated by a radiator

In the perpetual struggle to remain relevant, Hulk Hogan has decided it fit to let us all know that he has burnt his hand. On Sunday Hulk went to the Twitter-sphere to inform all of his 598,098 followers that apparently his Achilles’ heal are his Achilles’ fingers. 
Hulk Hogan, or “Thunderlips” from Rocky III as I like to remember him as, tweeted a photo of his Elephant Man hand saying “Just had a radiator explode on my hand, OUCH.HH.”

Following the preliminary “OUCH,” Hulk Hogan alerted the internet that he had elevated the OUCH level to “Double OUCH” and even the dreaded “Triple OUCH.”

The play-by-play of OUCH.HH and ever inflating pustules culminated in the former wrestler taking his Fu Manchu-ed self to the emergency room. 

It is unclear what Hulk Hogan, star of 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain said or did to cause the radiator to explode on him in such a manner.  Similarly the radiator has not offered any form of statement to the media.

Hulk Hogan’s Twitter followers deemed his pus-engorged photos inappropriate and decided to let the bandana brother know it.  Are the pictures that Hogan tweeted were as offensive as any episode of Hogan Knows Best? Perhaps that will be left to future generations who look back on this historic event.

In response to the backlash Hulk Hogan sent one last radiator explosion tweet. The Santa with Muscles star tweeted: “I apologize for posting my burned hand photos,with all the feedback I now realize I really should take a moment before I make a decision.” Wise words from a man currently engulfed in a legal battle with Gawker over a sex video.

“Whatcha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you,” indeed.