The words below is a guide from Todd Packer, the boorish Outside Sales Representative from TV’s “The Office”—a man who tells off-color, disrespectful jokes (e.g., his vanity plate is “WL HUNG"). The guide was sent around the office as a company newsletter. Though do to his constant pranks, the tips he presented should be taken with a grain of salt.

The newsletter reads:

“Killing time at work? The internet is chock full of fun distractions (see: Yoshi Island off-track betting)—but not all of them are accepted at work, as employees at the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission have found out the hard way. Hilariously, many of them have been caught watching hours of porn on the clock, and are facing suspension and possible termination. (Dude, this actually happened!)

Clearly, they are novices on the subject. I pride myself an expert in this area, having spent an incalculable amount of time on the abovementioned sites and effortlessness covering my tracks (like a wise, eight-degree pervert ninja). So, to that end, I present the office (and more importantly, Michael Scott) the following helpful tips to keep you from getting caught.

First, you can obscure your actions and behavior by changing the position of your computer.

Place the monitor or flat screen so it is only visible to you, so it is not easily seen by passerby, i.e., useful employees. Laptops are the best because they can not only be moved around easily, but their screens can be angled so that only you can see them. As a last resort, you can always obscure the monitor by using the tissues in your workspace to build elaborate forts.

You should also position yourself so that approaching people can be seen first by you—perhaps in a loft or a James Bondian Crowsnest. This gives you a chance to act before they reach your desk without having to mount a sniper, a move which will only arouse suspicion.

Next, there are a few tricks involving the computer and internet browser itself. You should always have other windows open so you can switch to them easily, like a complicated graph or chart or pictures and video of people putting on clothes for no money.

Acting as if you are reading a Wikipedia article will also explain why you are staring so intently (with your palms sweaty and your pants thrown across the room). Blank screens and desktops are not good choices and neither is your pornographic wallpaper. Get an internet browser with tabs so you can keep it all on one window. If you must use company money to buy porn, be sure it’s a small, flat rate, so as to not arouse suspicion.

You can also drag your task bar to either side of the screen to further prevent others from seeing the site that you are looking at. Of course, placing a strip of duct tape over the task bar will have the same effect; you should even feel free to invite people over to gloat about the great tape handiwork you did.

If you want, you can always open up lots of windows so coworkers can only see a number on the taskbar. (You should always assume that your task bar is extremely attention-holding to your coworkers and you should always be in fear of covering your tracks.)

Another helpful trick is pressing Alt+Tab or Apple +Tab which will revert your screen to the last application window you viewed. Be warned, though. Doing it improperly will actually quadruple the porn windows, which may magnify the wailing and moaning exponentially! Luckily, if the volume becomes loud enough, you may be able to pass it off as the sound of a harmless manatee video.

It is also best to only have one window of porn open at a time so you don’t run the risk of inadvertently switching to another porn site! To be safe, use your company’s porn site, in order to avoid a conflict of interest.

Finally, here are a few appearance-related tricks you can use to hid the tell tale signs that you’ve been sneaking peeks at porn.

1. Always keep your legs crossed, even if it means you have to stop taking your daily regimen of Viagra and Cialis.

2. Keep the window closed to keep the room stagnant and stuffy. Then, when your flushed and sweaty appearance is questioned, blame it on the heat and lack of air circulation. For best results, oil yourself up and say you’re in between tanning sessions.

3. Wear a sweater or loose pants in case someone asks you to do something that requires standing up. Make sure that these articles of clothing can do double duty and hold all of your masturbatory paraphernalia.

And last, but not least, save the good stuff to a portable thumb drive so you can have it when you are extremely horny and in a better position to enjoy it. If you find yourself tempted to mate with your computer, maybe you should take a “sick day.”