Let’s not beat around the bush (pun intended): Sex is awkward. You’re naked, someone else is naked, there are weird sounds and fluids, and …I think you get it. And in any awkward situation, people are drawn to talking just to break the tension. While that’s all well and good for being trapped in an elevator, sex is a whole other beast. With two backs. Trust me, the puns won’t stop.
Small talk has its place. And it’s not in bed. If you’re uncomfortable, that’s normal. But don’t just yammer out, “Hi,” or “How are you,” or “Nice weather, eh?” to fill the silence. Especially, not if you’re a guy. The only hope we men have is to try and keep women in the zone. And literally changing the subject from sex isn’t going to help anybody. It’s sex! Not a timeshare seminar.
I can guess what you’re thinking:What about talking dirty? Isn’t that a good thing? And the answer is: sometimes. I enjoy a “God, that feels so good” as much as the next guy (though bringing God into it should be handled very carefully), but talking dirty can sometimes exacerbate the awkwardness of the situation more than small talk.
I’ll give an example: A friend of mine, let’s call him Randy, had charmed a rather husky woman into his bed (which in itself was funny given that he’s rail-thin), and right in the thick of it, she whispers:
“I’m gonna sit on your face.”
Maybe it was her girth, but in any context, that’s a funny sentence. So he laughed. That laughter was soon stifled when his face got sat on, but the mood was effectively ruined. Randy’s coping well, though.
Don’t get me wrong--talking isn’t always bad. But during a one-night stand, it’s probably best to shut your mouth and hope for the best. Odds are, you don’t know each other well enough to find “Spank me, Daddy,” anything but creepy. However, if it’s a long-term sexual relationship, a little coaching from each partner will help both of you. “Don’t pull my hair,” “Right there,” etc., can get both people on the same page and take the mystery out of it. Plus, it’s a natural high when you’re giving your partner exactly what s/he wants.
If you’re not in anything long-term, the honest truth is that silence can be golden. But if you can’t stand it anymore and just have to say something, try to make “Oh yeah” carry the subtext of “How was your day,” just to keep everyone in the mood. In the end, it’s all about being comfortable with your partner and making this awkward act enjoyable. But that doesn’t mean laughing when the pants come off.
That hurts, ladies.
