Love. That beautiful state of mind that leaves us on cloud nine. That warm, fuzzy feeling that we get when we look at the object of our affection. We laugh with them, we cry with them, we understand them, and they understand us. Love is lovely.
But can you love too much? Scientists say yes. It’s called obsessive love.
Obsessive love is a form of love where one person is emotionally obsessed with the otherr. Obsessive lovers believe that only the person they fixate on can make them feel happy and fulfilled. This feeling is different than having the object of your affection make you feel happy and fulfilled. In the mind of the obsessive lover, there is no one else in the world who could possibly make them feel this way.
“But I’m so in love with X. No one else could ever make me feel the way he does,” you say. That’s an understandable feeling: you probably wouldn’t fall in love with someone if you didn’t feel something like that.
The key difference is that whereas your relationship gives you a positive feeling inside and is reciprocated by the other person, obsessive love makes the obsessive lover feel anxious, angry and insecure in the relationship. Generally, the other person in the relationship does not feel as strongly about the obsessive lover as the obsessive lover feels about them.
John D. Moore, the author of “Confusing Love with Obsession,” identified four unique stages in the obsessive love cycle:
Phase 1: the attraction phase.
This phase is difficult to detect. Is this person just really nice and attentive? He’s flirting with you; this seems normal enough. Usually it is. However, in a case of obsessive love, the obsessive lover has felt an immediate attraction to the romantic interest within the first few minutes of meeting. He or she begins to have unrealistic fantasies about the relationship with a love interest. Beginning of obsessive, controlling behaviors start.
Phase 2: the anxious phase.
This phase usually starts when the parties are exclusively dating each other, although that is necessarily a requirement for the phase to begin.
If the relationship ends in the anxious phase, the obsessive lover will probably go through a period of depression that is considered inappropriate compared to the level of the progression of the relationship.
However, If the relationship is not ended in this phase, the obsessive lover may begin to exhibit some of these feelings and behaviors: unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of the other person, and other feelings of mistrust leading to depression and resentment; the need to constantly be in contact with a love interest via phone, email, texting or in person (beyond the “normal” amount of texting, emailing etc.); feeling that the other partner doesn’t need to meet and/or speak to other people; possible verbal and physical abuse to the loved one.
Phase 3: the obsessive phase.
In this phase, the obsessive, controlling behaviors reach a critical mass. The object of the obsessive lover begins to pull back and usually severs the relationship.
Phase 3 behaviors include neurotic, compulsive behaviors on the part of the obsessive lover; unfounded accusations of cheating due to extreme anxiety; “drive-bys” around a love interest’s home or stalking behavior with the goal of assuring the obsessive lover that the person is where “he or she is supposed to be”; extreme control tactics, including guilt trips, to manipulate the love interest into providing the obsessive lover more attention.
Sometimes it works. Usually, the other person wants out and gets out.
Phase 4: the destructive phase.
The final phase kicks in when the loved one, due to phase 3 behaviors, leaves the relationship.
This part of the obsessive love can result in overwhelming feelings of depression on the part of the obsessive lover; anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest; and denial that the relationship has ended.
Obsessive love and healthy love are two totally different animals. Obsessive love can be very dangerous. Couples who are mutually devoted to each other usually have normal, healthy relationships. When one partner exhibits intense feelings about the other that are either inappropriate for the “level” of the relationship or begins to show any of the above behaviors, these could be indicators of obsessive love. And never underestimate the power of obsessive love.
It is good to love. It is not good to love too much.
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